1. Had a fire sale in Colorado, Washington, and any other state with a college in it.

2. Convinced a rapper, ideally Jay-Z, to change his name to Host-S pro bono so they could compete with Drake's.

3. Taped three Twinkies together and sold them as neck pillows outside of airports.

4. Made Ho-Hos as sexy as the name suggests.

5. Toned down the sexiness of Ding Dongs to make the name fit.

6. Donated fewer Zingers to the Romney campaign.

7. Never let me catch on that Fruit Pies weren't healthy.

8. "Deep fried" a couple of buildings to collect the insurance money.

9. Worked something out with the union, perhaps while filming one of those fun "Call Me Maybe" lip dubs.

10. Had a bake sale.

---

Alex Watt is on Twitter, Tumblr and an ego trip.