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Honest Thanksgiving Menu
By
Hallie Cantor
Hors d’Oeuvres Lightly chilled recitation of each class you’re taking this semester to your great-aunt, served when she corners you after her second glass of wine Diverse sampling of phone calls from the divorced parent whose extended family you’re not celebrating with this year Palate cleanser: Round of delicate, frothy remote control jockeying between your cousins who want to watch the parade, the dog show, and the football game, respectively Main Course Tasting platter of over-stuffed “yum” noises, each handmade to reassure the host that the turkey is cooked an appropriate amount Steamed outburst from your bratty cousin served as she spills gravy on the phone she’s using to text at the table Fried and crispy effort to ignore your vegan step-brother eating cranberry sauce plain Slow-cooked judgmental stares between the relatives who scrape more than their fair share of marshmallows off the top of the sweet potatoes and the relatives who don’t believe marshmallows should be part of a vegetable dish Casserole of choice between stuffing with raisins, stuffing without raisins, and store-bought stuffing with truffle oil and fancy mushrooms brought by your uncle’s remarkably stupid new girlfriend Organic, locally farmed whining from the kids’ table that their parents put too many green beans on their plates Spirited and smoky discussion about what exactly constitutes a root vegetable, started by your tipsy brother and marinated in a last-ditch effort to divert conversation from the topic of politics Brussel sprouts Palate cleanser: Acidic, warmly spiced debate between competing camps of relatives who want to play touch football, run a “turkey trot”, and lie on the couch comatose, respectively Dessert Single dehydrated kiss atop the cheek of your great-grandma who needs to get driven back to the nursing home an hour before everyone else leaves Gently simmered power struggle between your aunts over whose apple pie is more popular Your sister’s raised-nose inquiry about whether the pumpkin pie was made with fresh pumpkin or canned, topped with a subtle dusting of elitism Poached melee of passive aggression over who gets to take home the good leftovers Gratuity will be added in the form of all of your relatives friending you on Facebook tomorrow.
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