If you know how to fold a fitted sheet we probably wouldn't get along

— Dan Gurewitch (@DanGurewitch) December 4, 2012

Whenever I want to mentally regress into a helpless, gesturing infant, I just let a barber ask me how I want my hair cut.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) December 1, 2012

If the pope speaks for God and some social media shithead is speaking for the Pope, how soon can we expect disaster?

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) December 3, 2012

I look so cool swigging whiskey out of a brown bag in public (whiskey is what I call a burrito I'm embarrassed to eat on the subway)

— Hallie Cantor (@halliecantor) December 5, 2012

is that a banana in your pocket or does your dick also have a yellow layer that peels off and starts getting brown spots after a few days

— Andrew Bridgsanta (@AndyBridgman) December 5, 2012

Never judge a man until you've scrolled a mile on his Tumblr.

— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) December 1, 2012

I'm so boring my favorite Pokémon is Metapod.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) December 5, 2012

You know how girls periods sync when they live together? My roommate and I both just started jackin off to Top Gun and now we're total bros.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) November 17, 2012

Whoever's writing my biography should know that I just emailed the name of a really good mustard to myself.

— Dan Hopper (@DanHopp) December 4, 2012

I burned my tongue on soup, but it did nothing to distract me from the pain I feel for spending $6.80 on it.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) December 5, 2012

I have 3 missed calls from my parents, so someone's either dead or confused by this week's Homeland.

— Tom Philip (@tommphilip) November 30, 2012