I have a really tough time noticing the difference between nuts, legumes, seeds, polite smiles, and actual interest.

— Alex Watt (@AlexanderWatt) December 12, 2012

Santa Vs. Jesus. That's always the argument at Xmas. They're basically the same guy: Bearded, long haired magicians who judge everyone.

— Streeter Seidell (@streetseidell) December 12, 2012

TIP: if you want to get an HBO GO password for free, just scream "I'VE NEVER SEEN THE WIRE" at a barnes and noble

— Andrew Bridgsanta (@AndyBridgman) December 7, 2012

Can't wait to watch the first hour of Man of Steel and learn how Clark Kent becomes Superman! Nobody spoil it for me.

— Jeff Rubin (@JeffRubinShow) December 11, 2012

dont know how i feel about news of new elvis costello/2 chainz collaboration album "my aim is T.R.U."

— Will Stephen (@will_stephen) December 10, 2012

"Jennifer Love Hewitt" — Cavewoman named Jennifer, professing her love for Hewitt.

— Mike Trapp (@MikeWTrapp) December 13, 2012

If you're searching for your purpose in life, try finding a duck and making it happy. Bread is cheap and ducks prefer it to poetry.

— Owen Parsons (@owenBparsons) December 5, 2012

"Hotel, motel, Holiday Inn. Motel 6, Double Tree, Red Roof Inn." – lyrics from my rap song where I just list hotel chains.

— Adam Conover(@adamconover) December 13, 2012

Be polite. When someone says, "No, thank you." Say, "No, you're welcome."

— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) December 13, 2012

Ugh, I feel like such a hippie. My wife and I decided to raise our kids cage-free.

— Wiseguy Pictures (@WiseguyPictures) December 7, 2012

I feel like such a serial killer every time I put on a pair of gloves while ascending a staircase tilting my head to the side for no reason.

— josh ruben (@joshruben) December 9, 2012