11 Alternatives to Mistletoe

by Rosie on December 19, 2012

Image: Red Rose What you do: Passionately make out with your partner for 20 minutes in front of loved ones. Image: Wine flute What you do: Slide a hand under her thick Christmas sweater and tenderly massage one of her breasts. Image: Garter What you do: Carry her up to a bathroom on the second floor and ravage her. Be as loud as humanly possible so her family and friends can experience the joy as well. Image: Lame Christmas Themed Tassel What you do: Bicker over why she refuses to wear chapstick. It's the middle of winter and her lips are flakier than her Aunt Myrtle's apple pie crust. Image: TV Remote What you do: Delete all her awful TLC shows from the DVR. No human should have to endure that much Cake Boss. Image: Handkerchief What you do: Attempt to kiss her on the lips only to have her turn her head at last second, ending in a less than satisfactory cheek kiss. Shamelessly see if the ol’ “up the sweater” trick is still in play. Realize it most definitely is not. Image: Broken Piece of Mistletoe What you do: Drunkenly try to make out with her sister only to be tackled by her brothers and cousins. Image: Boxed Wine Bladder What you do: SLAP THE BAG! Chug that shit. Then remember that the first time you met her was at your fraternity’s semi-formal. What am I doing here. I love her so much. Image: Bell What you do: Hire Christmas carolers to sing the song that was playing the first time you met - Sisqo’s “Thong Song.” Image: Broken Piece of Mistletoe Crudely Taped Back Together What you do: Apologize for being a total asshole and hope she takes you back, but realize that maybe it was the emotional journey that was important. Image: Bunch of nails sloppily hammered in above door frame What you do: Apologize to everyone else for ruining the holiday by spending most of the night hammering nails in all around the house.

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