The Mayans long ago created a calendar that is set to expire on 12/21/12. Many across the world have interpreted this as a doomsday prophecy and are flocking to areas of supposed significance, awaiting the end of times. The chance that a pre-Columbian society with an admittedly advanced understanding of heavenly motion though not nearly as advanced as ours now could predict the expiration date of earth more than five hundred years in the future is, to put it kindly, remote. However, as with all analysis of likelihoods, there is of course a chance that the Mayans could be correct. And that would just suck, right?!
All this time we could have been having orgies, experimenting with lethal drugs and stealing military planes to go for joy rides, but, whoops, didn't believe the Mayans! Instead of writing this stupid article I could be out eating a hundred lobsters, literally stuffing myself with lobster until my stomach walls ripped open, because, hey, why not? Or I could be stuffing you with lobsters. We could do it to each other with lobsters. At an orgy. On that military plane that flies in a parabolic arc so that the passengers achieve weightlessness. We could be doing that, but we didn't believe the Mayans.
And why should we have believed them? They may been good at locating stars and building cities but they weren't exactly prophetic. They failed to see, for instance, that a few hundred Spanish people would show up in Mesoamerica, cough a few times and accidentally kill everyone living there. So if they didn't see that coming, how could they see the end of the world coming? I think we can all be forgiven for not believing the hype, so to speak, but that's not going to ease the pain of missing all the great apocalyptic activities we could have got up to. Like fishing for sharks with dynamite, knocking down the Eiffel tower for fun and throwing gold bricks into the ocean because they're just yellow metal now.
If those Mayans turn out to be right about the world ending on 12/21/12 it's just going to be the worst. We're all going to feel so stupid, because, again, it's not like there wasn't ample warning. Maybe a few of us will half-ass an orgy or burn up a small city in the midwest, but it just won't be the same. The whole time you're pointing a hydrogen bomb-tipped rocket at the moon to see what will happen if it hits, all you'll be thinking is "This could have been really cool if I only had a little more time to prepare." You can't rush these things.
MAN, I'm going to be angry if they were right! I'll stand there, on my roof, watching a wall of holy fire speed towards me and just be seething, you know? Holding my wife's trembling hand in the seconds before divine judgement washes over us, turning our bodies to ash and returning our thoughts to the ether, I'll just be like "Oh you gotta be kidding me about this shit!" As the last sparking neurons in my brain fire out the last earthly thoughts I'll ever have, as all that has ever been is brushed away by a heavenly wind, I'll just be all "man, FUCK this! I could have finally had sex on a submarine, but nooooo, I was too 'smart' to listen!" And as the earth cracks in half, spilling out its molten guts, erasing for the entire universe any evidence that there was once a species here, a species of marked intelligence, ambition, violence and love, we will all take our last breath and just be all like, "Maybe there's still time for an orgy."
But there won't be. We missed our window.
Here's some other stuff we'll never get to because we were soooo smart and didn't believe the world was ending:
2. Steal tank, go to Wendy's drive-thru with it
3. Try to clone a dinosaur a la Jurassic Park
4. Run naked with a pack of wild dogs, become their leader
5. See how many $100 bills you can swallow
6. Ride a whale
7. Weird orgy (masks, tuxedos, people acting like animals, etc)
8. Snort world's longest line of cocaine
9. Have your own Hunger Games but with people you don't like
10. One more orgy, just in case
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