Obituaries for Video Game Characters I have Played Recently

by Alex Z. Rogers on January 29, 2013

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Obituaries for Video Game Characters I have Played Recently

By

Alex Rogers

Drake, Nathaniel died Sunday, age 31 after a long battle with almost forty guys carrying machine guns and rocket launchers and also there is like almost no decent cover on that part. He will be remembered by those who knew and loved him as the reason you bought that Playstation 3. Burial service will be held tantalizingly close to the sacred city of something or other that Drake was trying to find to prevent the world from being destroyed by Djinn who look awfully similar to the monsters from the last two games. Remittances and charitable gift donations can be made to one Victor “Sully” Sullivan who desperately needs the cash for a new plane.

Ratonhnhaké:ton, yeoman farmer of the Christian name Connor, lately of Massachusetts Colony, did expire whilst alighting from the height of North Church. T’was surely some disease of the brain led the normally sure-footed fellow to ambulate straight from the Metropolis’ tallest spire to the cobbles below or an ill-fated expedition to disprove Sir Isaac’s theorems. Apothecaries attribute the demise to complications from an accidentally pressed run button (perilously close to the crouch button as it is) and gout. Regarded as somewhat the eccentric clowne for his running roofs, jumping roofs, and bawdy habit of indiscriminately stabbing the local constabulary in the throat. A melancholy post indeed.

Kennedy, Leon S. is dead. Continue? Yes / No.

SPARTAN 117, John died in an apparent suicide after running straight into an enemy battle group swinging around a Gravity Hammer as if that was not a stupid thing to do. Nothing but an unrelenting desire for a quick and miserable death could explain the actions of the veteran of numerous alien wars, who chose the large, inefficient and difficult to use gravity hammer over the better tactical option of choosing a gun, any gun and then charged right into the crowd of enemies as if something cool would happen. But he just got blown up. His last words were, “The Gravity Hammer sucks!”

“To eyelids in the sepulcher,
how still the dancer lies.
While colors revelations break,
and blaze the butterflies!”

Mario, Mario climbed the final beanstalk to that big cloud special stage in the sky due to injuries sustained in a lava-related accident. In keeping with the hero’s legendary stoicism we have condensed his obituary into a single phrase: Oooooh Noooo!

And lo, Dovahkiin Ranallrock has finally been banished to the now cursed halls of Sovngarde after heroically murdering almost everyone in Whiterun with his fists. An undying plague whose black name shall not be forgotten too soon, tales of his theft of every bucket in the Hold only pale to the story of the day everyone awoke to find their heads trapped in buckets. Also known as the Flame Shouting Fire Bug of Falkreath, the Werewolf Streaker of Solitude, and the Guy Who Murdered Almost Everyone In Anvil with His Fists After Placing Buckets on Their Heads. The people of Skyrim beseech the evil dragon Lord Anduin to protect his future slaves should the dread Randy return - AS FORETOLD IN THE PROPHECIES!

LINK, you got The Obituary! Go to the menu to equip and read about your death. To use, hold Z and A while swinging the Wiimote. Actually, those are the controls for the Jump Attack, which would have been more effective against the Green Chuchu than just Jump. In your memory, 30 glass bottles filled with fairies will be released over your tomb, only one of which would have been required to completely revive you. Raise your arm and throw your Wiimote and Nunchuck across the room to use Vent Frustration.

“Do not grieve for him,
for those who love must let go.
On tasseled clouds he skims,
free from the horrors below.”

The Great Zombini-12, an undead mage, finally succumbed to neglect at the tender level of 37. He is survived by a skeletal horse that is probably also gone forever and who really cares? He was known throughout Azeroth as a hero of the battle against the Worgen – although that was actually another undead mage, ZombiniXXX, and people were just mistaken. The many hours dedicated to leveling up the character by repeatedly killing rats or rescuing pets instead of doing anything else are sorely missed.

Hedgehog, Sonic T. died over 4 years ago. Whatever that thing is running track with Mario at the London Olympics, it isn’t Sonic the Hedgehog and we should just stop pretending.

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