Almost Reading / 7 New Kissing Techniques

by Caldwell Tanner on February 14, 2013

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7 New Kissing Techniques

By

Caldwell Tanner

New Kissing Techniques

BTW - Article Style Reference

*HUNGRY MA’AM
Use: When you're hungry for love and also for actual food.

1. Show that B your D present a giant hot dog to your lover.

2. Chomp at the Bit you and your lady begin awkwardly chomping either end of it.

3. Go Full Tramp on that Lady - Meet in the middle for a sloppy, chili-covered kiss. An italian chef in the background looks grossed out.

Optional Maneuver: The Tastemaker
Burp in each other’s mouths as a testament to the strength of your love. WARNING: POWER COUPLES ONLY

*YOGA SMOOCH
Use: For the world warrior looking for a more effective way to show affection.

1. Get your chakras rocking - Guy puckering his lips, yoga symbols light up on them.

2. Assume the “Lusty Lotus” stance - Guy widening stance.

3. Go the distance - Guy extending his lips all the way across a room to kiss a girl who is so startled she drops a bowl of cereal.

Note: DO NOT attempt this without a yoga mat. Without it, you could very literally kiss someone’s eye out.

*KISSTICUFFS
Use: For showing affection to your heterosexual male friends

1. Go knuck 2 knuck - two bros giving eachother daps

2. Prep the punch - the bros rear back their other fists as if to punch eachother

3. Pow, right in the kisser. - tight shot of two bros sweetly kissing eachother’s fists.

Note: This move only works if you two have a pre-existing best friend name like "The Rumble Cousins” and/or matching cutoff denim vests.

*LEECHY KEEN
Use: For the lover ready to take their co-dependence to the next level.

1. Lure Alluringly - Girl making a kissy face to an excited guy

2. Open up to him - Girl’s mouth is suddenly huge and leach-like

3. Slowly devour his entire identity over a period of months. - Girl has wrapped herself around guy’s body like a face-hugger. Guy is attempting to have a conversation with a confused friend at a watercooler.

Note: For this symbiotic marriage to succeed, one of you is gonna need to learn photosynthesis, like really quick.

*DAMEBLOWER
Use: When you need to decimate your partner with a shower of searing affection

1. Pluck a smooch. - Guy covering his lips as a girl waves goodbye

2. Present palm. - Guy presenting the kiss on his palm, girl is still waving. The kiss should be burning like the pilot light on a flamethrower.

3. Light her fire. - Guy blowing a thousand kisses at the girl, only the silhouette of her skeleton can be seen.

Lip-tip: Says something pithy like “I love the smell of lip balm in the morning” before immolating her.

*GLAND SHAKE
Use: Formal occasions call for more proper pecking.

1. Engage - Two people wearing fine clothing lean in to smooch

2. Enlarge - They both open their mouths

3. Extend - They extend their tongues

3. Exchange - A .gif of their tongues shaking up and down

Lip-Tip: In less-formal settings a simple tongue-dap or lick-slap is appropriate.

*DECOY MISTRESS
Use: For mercy-killing your near dead relationship.

1. Bait - Girl kissing her boyfriend intimately, he looks real into it. They are on top of a lovely mountain.

2. Switch - Guy is all of a sudden kissing a poorly made manikin

3. Make out like a bandit. - Girl is hangliding away and giving a thumbs up.

Note: Don’t forget to switch your phone-number, change your facebook status and fake your death in a grisly kitchen fire for good measure.

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