So this whole Don Imus thing last week got me thinking: What was a guy who does sports radio doing talking about women's basketball?

Now, that probably sounds sexist, and it kinda is.  In fact, that's probably the same kind of thoughts that went through the heads of people back during the days of the women's suffrage movement,  "We're here to elect a new leader.  What is my dishwasher doing here?"

Ha ha!  What a great joke.  You know who doesn't like jokes, though?  The British.  It's true.  You tell them a joke, they're liable to crack you right in the groin.  Except for Ricky Gervais.  That man is a comic genius.  And there's also that cross-dressing guy, he's pretty funny.  Damn, I wish I could remember his name.  Lizard something, I think.

That reminds me.  I was at the zoo the other day, and I saw this giant lizard!  It was like eight feet long!  It was called a Komodo dragon.  Apparently they've been reported to eat people.  Weird!

Speaking of man-eating beasts, Primeval was a shitty movie.  I mean, they billed it as some sort of serial killer movie, but it was a goddamn crocodile!  That's false advertising, right there.  Unbelievable.

Anti-drug advertisements are full of lies, too.  Like the one where the girl has undergone so much peer pressure she's been squashed down to a foot off the ground?  That could never happen!  And the one where the kid puts his fist in his mouth, because his friends told him to.  What a dumbass!

Oh, there was this episode of Scrubs where Elliot says she can shove her fist down her mouth.  But she never does it!  I bet it's because Sarah Chalke can't actually do it, and they didn't want to do any computer imagery just for the sight gag.  It would look all fake and I would probably barely get off.

Aah!  I was just reminded of the time I almost got caught masturbating by my mom.  Wow, that was embarrassing!  Good think I covered up quickly.  I think Amir put that as an 8.5 on the Shame Scale.  It was more like a 10, though.

Amir is a funny guy, but I think Dan writes better articles.  There's gonna be people disagreeing with me there.  I think it's because Dan's articles are just so far out there.  I have no idea where he comes up with these things.  I guess he just pulls them out of his ass.

Speaking of which, I am not looking forward to my first colonoscopy.  I know you're not supposed to get one until middle age, but it's still just a nagging thought up in my mind.  I hope I don't need a polypectomy.  I don't even know what that means, but it sounds painful.

Speaking of painful medical procedures, a Foley catheter.  Holy GOD.  I don't even want to imagine how much that hurts.  Probably like someone's sticking a plastic tube up your penis.  Wow, that probably stings!

I'm so glad I'm not allergic to bees.  My friend has a bee allergy.  I don't know if he's ever been stung a lot so that it triggers the allergy, but that's scary!  If I had a bee allergy, every time I heard buzzing, I would just think, "Please, God, let that be a go-kart."

Mario Kart is kind of overrated.  It's fun, don't get me wrong.  But it's been fifteen damn years since its release.  I think it's time we let this one go.  I'm gonna get more disagreements there, too.  Whatever, it's just a video game!

I guess what I'm trying to say is: The CIA needs to take out Carlos Mencia.  But that's another story.