A Viewer's Guide To Television Pundits

With the election days away, more and more Americans are becoming interested in the political process. This is great news for the 24 hour news networks, and more specifically, the pundits who infest them. The landscape of pundits is reflective of the diversity of America, as it ranges from rich white guys who grew up on the East Coast to rich white guys who currently spend half their summers on the East Coast. Below is a primer to help you get to know them better, including their celebrity resemblance, a fun drinking game to play with your friends, which 90s band they most resemble, and a douche-o-meter, measured in O'Reillys, ranging from 1 to 6.

 

CNN Headline News, Glenn Beck Conservative

Of all the pundits on television, Glenn Beck is the most outspoken despiser of phony, disingenuous, and opportunistic politicians and celebrities who turn their personal problems and the problems of others into self-indulgent money making business opportunities. And if you don't believe me, then watch his television show, or listen to his radio show, or read one of his books, or purchase a ticket to one of his live shows, where he is sure to delve into his personal story as a former alcoholic who got clean, got married, and then re-discovered religion. Beck's call for an end to political correctness carries a lot of weight, especially since he is a member of the group for whom political correctness has affected the most, the white Christian male population.

Celebrity Resemblance: Barney Rubble, but less human.

Drinking game: Chug a beer every time he complains about the Republican party, then endorses every single one of their candidates.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Everclear, then Creed.

Douche-o-meter: 6 O'Reillys

Keith Olbermann

MSNBC: Countdown with Keith Olbermann. Liberal.

Olbermann is the liberal answer to Bill O'Reilly, which means he has a tendency to ignore facts, make stuff up, and misleadingly paraphrase like it's going out style, which unfortunately, it is not. His one redeeming and un-O'Reilly quality is his reluctance to yell at people, which usually happens when you don't have guests on your show who disagree with you on any issue.

Celebrity Resemblance: That guy who used to anchor SportsCenter with Dan Patrick.

Drinking Game: Take a shot every time he denounces the overtly biased views of Bill O'Reilly without any sense of irony or self-awareness.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Whoever you play when there's literally no one better to listen to.

Douche-o-meter: 6 O'Reillys. 

Sean Hannity

FOXNEWS: Hannity and Colmes. Hannity's America Conservative.

Arguments over Hannity's racism are often fervent, as some claim he is "wicked" racist, while others feel he is only "really" racist. Conservatives love Hannity, because he's willing to say things that they would probably get beaten up for saying in public, things like, "I'm Sean Hannity." Aside from Hannity and Colmes, Sean also hosts his own show called Hannity's America, which, coincidentally, looks and sounds an awful lot like George Wallace's America. Sean Hannity is, in the big scheme of things, not a very nice person.

Celebrity Resemblance: Jay Leno on a 3 week coke binge.

Drinking Game: Take a shot every time he uses, "unrepentant", "the surge is working", and "Jeremiah". But please pace yourself and keep a phone handy.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: New Radicals

douche-o-meter: 6 O'Reillys.

Alan Colmes

FOXNEWS: Hannity and Colmes, Liberal.

Like Hannity, Colmes is an over-used stereotype. Since he is a liberal, this means that he is a huge pussy. Show producers recently purchased a defibrillator, which is to be used whenever Colmes's heartbeat drops below 15 bpm. It already paid for itself twice over. It has been said that Alan Colmes is the biggest pussy in the world. And by, "it has been said", I mean right now, by me.

Celebrity Resemblance: Franklin the Turtle, but more of a pussy.

Drinking game: Chug a beer every time he says to Hannity, "May I speak now?"

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Hanson

Douche-o-meter: 0 O'Reillys.* sigh *

Nancy Grace

CNN Headline News, Nancy Grace Conservative

Unlike the others on this list, Nancy Grace is not a pundit in the classical sense. Nor is she political. She is, however, a gigantic bitch. I actually have no joke here, I just feel like everyone should know what a gigantic bitch Nancy Grace is. Of course, I realize that this is a humor piece, and for the sake of comedy...titties. So to sum things up, Nancy Grace= gigantic bitch, and titties.

Celebrity resemblance: The "bitch" character in every soap opera, but bitchier.

Drinking Game: Chug a beer whenever you feel the need to numb the deep emotional pain caused by Nancy Grace's bitchiness.

If She Were A 90s Band, She'd Be: Hole

Douche-o-meter: 6 O'Reillys.

John King

CNN: Pundit, Independent.

If you don't know who, or really what, John King is, you really need to get with the program. Watching him work his giant touch-screen electoral map is like watching Michael Jordan play minor league baseball, or like watching me think of awful similes. The guy owns it in a manner that has caused many to assume that he has The Force. I suppose the best way to describe John King is the guy at a party who amazes everyone with a really cool magic trick and then bangs your girlfriend on a huge touch-screen electoral map.

Celebrity Resemblance: Mark Harmon. Or maybe Mark Hamill (see what I did there?)

Drinking Game: I know it has nothing to with John King, but just shotgun a beer in honor of someone naming their kid Wolf Blitzer.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Oasis, but only for the 4:19 of "Wonderwall."

Douch-o-meter: -6 O'Reillys.

Lou Dobbs

CNN, Lou Dobbs Tonight, "Independent"

Hola. Notice how I just typed something in Spanish? Si? Well, Lou Dobbs now officially hates me. The interesting point that Lou Dobbs always makes when it comes to illegal immigrants is that it is the immigrants themselves who are the only rational people in the whole situation. This explains perfectly why Lou Dobbs doesn't want them living in the U.S, because rational people don't like Lou Dobbs.

Celebrity Resemblance: Depends if you consider a pumpkin that's been left outside for too long a celebrity.

Drinking Game: Pound a sixer of Corona just to piss off Lou Dobbs.

If He Were A 90s Band, He'd Be: Menudo

Douche-o-meter: 'Whatever the Spanish word for "six" is' O'Reillys.