Got a gift box of chocolates this Valentine's Day? Make sure you know what you're really eating. Roll-over this key to see the truth about your chocolate options.
Ever have a sh*tty job that you wanted to complain about in a weekly submission-based column named after Blink-182 lyrics? Send your submissions to worksuxiknow[at]gmail.com!
I work part time at a lingerie store so usually Christmas time and Valentine's Day are times when we have more male customers in the store than usual. So to increase sales, we are told to wear our best push up bras and lower cut shirts to try to sell more (I call it "whoring it up") This one guy came in, looked at all of the other sales staff and found me and said "I've looked all over the store and you are the only associate who I think can help me - my wife's boobs looked like yours twenty years ago... do you have any lingerie that will hold them up to make them look like yours again?"
-K, Royal Roads University
I work in the kitchen at an old folks home. One night a patient took his food tray, ate his dinner, and proceeded to take a sh*t on the tray. Even worse, the nurse's aide looked at the sh*tty tray and thought the right thing to do was put it back in the cart to be sent back to the kitchen. Needless to say the smell when we opened the cart was pretty remarkable.
-Anonymous
While working at a store called "Family Video" I had a few fun times. One time a long-haul trucker came into the store, rented some adult movies and went out to his truck. He returned 30 minutes later to bring the movies back......
-Tony
Hook ups can range from something to do on a Saturday night to life altering greatness. Here is the hook up hierarchy, Level 1 being the highest. 
Level 5: Hooking Up With An Ex
You got a case of the ex, sent a text, and shit went down, specifically you. Your friends harp on you for sticking a finger in an open wound, but at least you got some sweet action. You decided you are strong enough to hook up without getting attached. But now you are wondering if things will go back to the way they were. Oh shit, stop pining. Stop staring into the distance. No I don’t want to hear about how they were the one.
Level 4: Hooking Up With An Outlier
You go to a bar, hitting on standard selections. Typical conversations emerge: What do you study? What do you do? Do you like this song? Shots? Want to get out of here? But then you notice someone with braces. Or gray hair. Perhaps they are over 6”3 o or under 5”3. Either way, this person deviates from the norm. In a world of homogeneous hook ups, you will take the road less traveled, the territory less pillaged. Middle aged, borderline illegal, pick your poison, this person has an attribute that makes them a physical or intellectual outlier. They are the human equivalent to an elective, material you will never use again and selected for reasons of convenience, novelty and easiness. They add much needed variety to your sexual portfolio. You may or may not be a better person afterwards, but gosh damn it at least you did it.
Level 3: Hooking Up With a Hottie
You land a solid 9 or 10. All your friends agree they are physical perfection. Words like "wow" and "niiice" are elicited upon viewing them. This hot piece of ass makes up for all the people that doubted or rejected you. They may be your plateau, your hot person Mt. Everest. All you need to do is enjoy the view and not puke.
(Obi-Wan Kenobi dies at the hands of Darth Vader. He becomes one with the Force and enters the Spirit Realm.)
Obi-Wan: Well, that was less than pleasant...
(Just then, Qui-Gon Jinn appears in front of his old apprentice)
Qui-Gon: Well Well Well, if it isn't my old Padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's good to see you old friend.
Obi-Wan: By the Force! Master! is it really y-
Qui-Gon: My God, you've gotten old.
Obi-Wan: Right.
Qui-Gon: You must have had a great long life! Tell me, what ever happened to that boy we found how Tatooine? Anakoo was it? Anakar...? Anakar Starwalkin!
Obi-Wan: Anakin Skywalker.
Qui-Gon: Yes! Him! What ever happened to- why...why are you making that face? They didn't let him in the Jedi Academy did they?! Even after he won that race!?
Obi-Wan: No no, they let him in...at my insistence.
Qui-Gon: Well good. The force was strong with that one, you know.
Obi-Wan: Please don't say that...
It's the Tuesday before Valentine's Day, which means you only have six days to convince your girlfriend that you’ve been thinking about this occasion since the day you met. Luckily, I'm here with a day-by-day breakdown of what you should be doing.
I Would Dry For You: If you’re planning on wearing a button-down shirt to dinner, today’s the last day you can drop it at the dry cleaners. Make sure to point out any particularly brutal stains so they can spot treat them. If your shirt is heavily patterned so that you can’t really see the stains, don’t worry. You’ll need to throw that shirt away anyway, because it sounds super ugly.
People in happily committed relationships may skip this section and go back to knitting scarves and listening to the "Love Actually" soundtrack. Or whatever the hell it is those people do.
In addition to enjoying international sucess as a stand-up, Arj Barker appeared on Flight of the Conchords as Brett and Jermaine's American friend Dave. His newest album, LYAO, is currently in stores. For information about shows and to sign up for his mailing list, visit ArjBarker.com.
It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!
You're a great roommate, but the facebook pranks got kind of old. Sorry about inserting that line into the middle of your resume declaring your innocence of the crimes for which you served 3 years in state prison, I didn't think anyone would take it seriously.
Chris H., Kalamazoo
My roommate this past semester was a hateful, pathetic nuclear engineering major with a three foot long pony tail. She never bathed, shed her nasty hair everywhere, smelled, and went to bed between the hours of 8:30 and 10 pm every day of the week. If I ever got too loud at night, she would always wake up and "tell me to take my activities elsewhere", even if it was only 11. When i didn't comply, she stole my $100 calculator, took my food, broke one of my lamps, and never let me watch TV even if a game was on. All the while she would ignore me and do homework 24/7 unless I did something wrong. By the end of the semester this year, I had had enough. Notice a little trim to your hair? I cut about 6 inches off, but I dunno if you will notice. That's what you get when you leave your Rapunzel ass ponytail hanging off your lofted bed at 11 p.m. when your asleep.
Claire Botner, Purdue
My roommate freshman year moved out during our second semester because I didn't say hi to him three times and it was making his life unbearable. Go figure.
Tim T., School Not Given
My roommate is the kind of guy that takes steroids and spends every waking minute at the gym and he always has his ipod in and I barely talk to the guy. I always figured he would be listening to something heavy, the screen said ABBA.
Andrew T. School Not Given
It's time to focus. As someone who is constantly spitting in the face of the legal system, you need to find away to avoid being apprehended. You know those people that are always chasing after you? They are commonly known as 'police'. Though if you listen to hip-hop music you may know them by one of their many street names such as '5-0', 'po-po', or 'chief executive officer'. People try lots of things to get away from them. Some choose to get in great physical shape and out-run them. Some use the millions of dollars they inherited to build tunnels that create a series of intertwining escape routes leading to their underground lair seven miles outside the city limits of Boston. You don't want to do any of that though. What you are going to do is quite simple: disguise your identity.
It's the Monday before Valentine's Day, which means you only have seven days to convince your girlfriend that of course, totally babe, you knew that. Luckily, I'm here with a day-by-day breakdown of what you should be doing.
Reservations, Not Indian: Technically you should already have a restaurant reservation, but I know you don't, so make it today.
Coy Fish: Once you have the reservation, make sure your girlfriend knows it. Coyly confirming that she's 'not doing anything' around 8, 8:30 on Sunday will not only make her giggle, but will reassure her that you're on top of shit. Very barely on top of shit.
The Giver: Start thinking about what you could get your girlfriend as a gift. If it's a good gift, you'll have to make some effort to get it beforehand. And no, on the way to dinner doesn't count as 'beforehand'. I mean, yes, technically it's...ugh, just start thinking about it, come on, it's the easiest part of this whole list.
Chances are you'll host or attend a Super Bowl party on Sunday. And chances also are approximately 97.8-percent of the people in attendance will know absolutely nothing about football.
Not a problem!
Just pass out copies of this handy Super Bowl cheat sheet, and soon all your guests will be talking football as expertly as any ex-jock (who has suffered multiple concussions).
>>> SOME CONVERSATION TIPS <<<
Don't Question: "Why do we care what Tim Tebow thinks about a complex issue like abortion?-
Instead, Announce: "I guess it really is a shame when something dies before it ever even comes to life…like Tebow's career as a pro quarterback!-
Don't Wager: On the outcome of the game. You can't win. Vegas is too good.
Instead, Bet: On the outcome of the coin flip. People will tell you it's random chance, but heads is a lock this year.
Don't Say: "Why is the Who playing the halftime show? Isn't Pete Townsend a registered sex offender?-
Instead, Announce: "God, I hope this means next year's halftime show will just be a series of short films by Roman Polanski.-
Don't Say: "The Colts' pass defense doesn't look very good."
Instead, Jeer: "A cover-two? What is this, 1997?" Don't worry about what this means. Only three or four people in the country know what a cover-two defense really is, and the chances of one of them being at your party are infinitesimally small.
Don't Ask: "Who is winning?-
Instead, Look: At the screen and figure it out yourself. It's somewhere on there. No, not that. That's the game clock. And no, over there is little promo thing for a CBS show. And below that are game stats. And above that is just random scribbles on the screen done by an apparently drunk announcer with a telestrator. You know what? Just wait until the end of the game. They'll probably announce the score then.
Don't Say: "I just watch the game for the commercials.-
Instead, Say: Nothing! Keep your trap shut! You might talk over the commercials!
I one had a girlfriend who, for no logical reason, absolutely refused to put the relationship status up on facebook despite the fact that guys hit on her mercilessly. Her first attempt at a solution was to make it so that her status wasn't up but this did nothing to stop the would-be suitors. Then, instead of adding me as her boyfriend, she put her guy best-friend up as "married". She didn't get why I was so pissed....we broke up a week later.
-Anonymous
Me and my girlfriend study IT school. She NEVER saw original Starwars trilogy. I am so embarrassed...
-Martin, Czech Republic
In high school, I convinced my girlfriend of the time that the "H" in the name "Jesus H. Christ" stood for "Hoobastank." I further played on this notion by telling her that the band Hoobastank was a Christian rock band. The best part was getting to watch her tell other people this "fact" like she knew something special.
-Ted
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