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    • Caption Contest

      9/25

      by Susanna Wolff September 25, 2008



      RULES: Submit your one best caption as a comment. No replies. No retries. Winner gets a BT. Keep reading to vote on last week's best...
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    • How Different Majors React To Seeing Road Kill

      by Adam Sharaf September 24, 2008
      Premed- "I wonder what the cause of death was? Looks like head trauma. I think I'll perform the autopsy... where did I leave my scalpel?"

      Engineering- "Looks like a car hit this guy. By the amount of damage I'd say it was maybe a 4 door SUV with 4-wheel drive, off-road capabilities. This car should be installed with a small animal collision detector in the front... maybe a scoop devise or something to gently toss the animal out of the way... hmm..."

      Film- "This was no accident, this was murder! Who the hell would kill a small animal? They made it look like an accident, but then, right there, it looks like someone performed an autopsy on this little guy! Something strange is going on around here, and I don't like it... Unless this rodent was in fact the killer himself, who went back in time to make this car swerve and hit his past self!"

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    • A Few Problems with the New Google Phone

      by Susanna Wolff September 24, 2008
      Yesterday, Google introduced their new Android cell phone platform, which is expected to bring big competition to the iPhone, but people are already starting to notice a few glitches with the new phone's features.

      Specifically the Did-You-Mean feature:

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    • Revelations Inspired By Clay Aiken

      by Andrew B. September 24, 2008


      Inspired by Clay Aiken's brave decision to publicly come out as a homosexual, other singers have followed by revealing shocking revelations about themselves that no one could have ever seen coming:



      Stevie Wonder: "I'm blind."

      P. Diddy: "I'm an African-American."

      Ruben Studdard: "I'm overweight."

      Michael Jackson: "I've had a little plastic surgery."

      Tony Bennett: "I'm old as hell."

      Sisqo: "I'm no longer popular."

      Amy Winehouse: "I've taken drugs once or twice."

      William Shatner: "I'm not really a singer."

      David Bowie: "I'm a human being."

      Chris Gaines: "I'm Garth Brooks."

      Eminem: "I'm from Detroit."

      Miley Cyrus: "I like merchandising my face and name."

      Elvis Presley: "I'm dead." (via publicist)

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    • My Greatest Invention

      by Murray The Nut September 24, 2008

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    • Things You'll Notice While Home For Your High School Homecoming

      by Shawn Dobbins September 24, 2008
      • college hoodies, LOTS of college hoodies
      • one of your friends somehow gained 15 pounds in 4 weeks
      • your younger brother doesn't know how to erase his browsing history, and also has developed a taste for furry porn
      • your high school friends don't give a shit about your college friends
      • your college friends don't give a shit about your high school friends
      • high school girls aren't nearly as bitchy as college girls
      • you spend your saturday night wondering what parties your friends are at back at school
      • you'll log into AIM within 5 minutes of getting home and put up an away message reading "home" that you will leave up for the entire weekend
      • you'll question stealing liquor from your parents, decide not to, and then immediately regret it once you return to school
      • your high school english teacher has already forgotten about you
      • even though you have gotten into world of warcraft in a big way, you find yourself telling people that you party 4 nights a week
      • your bedroom is now home to no less than 7 pillows and 12 blankets
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    • The Freshman Prophecy

      by Jase September 24, 2008


      I hate Freshmen.

      The term originates off the coast of Jamaica where a voodoo witch doctor constructed the first freshman out of clay and blood of foreign exchange students.

      The Curse Began Here
      The word itself is a conjunction of two commonly used English words, Fresh and man. Freshman translates from Jamaican to the English equivalent, New Man. Like a zombie rising from the grave, a Freshman, or New Man is a blank slate that I personally believe has had any interesting or unique personality traits wiped away by the ancient voodoo witch doctor's curse. After the first freshman, the infectious curse spread quickly to 18 year olds and high school students across the country.

      With their minds erased, any and all media input from TV to the internet easily fills the vacuous cavity in their skull with garbage and leaves them to be raving, unstoppable, god-forsaken, freshman. It's like AIDS for the brain. Some even say we have reason to believe that Samuel L. Jackson is in cahoots with the Witch Doctor, which also explains why he is in every movie ever made... To corrupt the minds of the freshmen.

      I have taken the liberty of classifying these "Freshmen" into 6major categories some with their own subcategories listed below: The Poser, The New-Age Hippie and the Emo we will be discussing today.

      The Poser: The poser is one who could strike from anywhere, posing as anything or anyone. Making it one of the most dangerous and shocking freshmen out there. I've heard that some can pose so well they can actually pose as shadows and strike from the darkness. Most often times the cursed freshman take the form of a faux longboard skateboarder, snowboarder, reggae artist, revolutionary, intellectual, gangster or worse.

      How to Eliminate: The easiest way to discover if they are a freshman poser is to make careful observations. they will often break "character" as you will see them fall off their skateboards, totally suck at guitar, read at a 7th grade level, and have opinions on world matters that only go so deep as to say something like "genocide is bad." To combat these heinous threats to humanity we must reveal their charade.

      Aha! Caught you!


      Once revealed the poser freshman will rapidly disintegrate to a fine carbon/nitrogen dust and drift away in the wind. Avoid contact with the dust to ensure no risk of infection.
      Poser Dust


      The New-Age Hippie: Certainly the most frequent occurrence of dangerous freshman, they are easily identified by riding bikes instead of driving, smoking various herbs, and criticizing what they call conformists. They always wear the right cuff of their pant leg rolled up and wear shirts saying "share the road." They are attracted to heavy exhaust so make sure to stay on foot especially if you're in an area with a known New-Age hippie infection. (also avoid bicycles from wal-mart)The new-age hippie has several sub varieties here is one:
      Freshman Indicator


      The Emo: Emo freshmen may be the worst of the curse. The curse has somehow shrunken their pants and clothes restricting the blood flow to muscles and causing muscular atrophy making these horrid beasts appear ultra pathetic and weak. One way to identify them is by the easily identifiable patricidal hate in their eyes. Although it'd difficult to get a good look because the Emo freshmen tend to keep their hair over their entire face. A ploy designed to fool the non freshmans. But don't be tricked, their whining is like brain daggers wielded by tiny OJ simpsons, infiltrating your ears. They will attack with extreme prejudice and the cold, cold hate in their eyes proves the curse is very real and not a joke.

      DANGEROUS


      How to Eliminate: Keep a sturdy walking stick, crowbar or other linear object handy to throw into the bicycle wheels of the New-Age Hippie. Generally, because they don't want to mess up their dreadlocks or pony-tails they won't wear a helmet and be killed upon impact due to the lack of fat as padding from their vegan diets. As for Emos its much simpler. A good ridiculing statement will usually throw them into panic at which point they tend to eliminate themselves.

      I have to move on for now. They are approaching this alley, I will try to get more information on the Freshmen known as The Dudes and the others next time. for now keep a close eye out for these clues, and remember.

      STAY ALERT, STAY ALIVE.

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    • Ultimate Frisbee

      by Adam Sharaf September 23, 2008

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    • 105%

      Issue #78

      by 105%-O-Matic September 23, 2008


      Free for all! Entertaining for none!

      I hate when people tell me a book is a real page turner. I know how books work.
      -Steve Schrader
      I've always fancied myself as a sort of "Renaissance Man", in that my lack of hygiene and sanitation knowledge has caused the death of almost every single member of my family by way of plague.
      -Conor McKeon
      Adding 10 vitamins & minerals to Lucky Charms is like putting a bouncy castle in Nazi Germany.
      -Dan Gurewitch
      Bob Dylan hosts Jeopardy!
      Dylan: The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.
      Contestant: What is my kite?
      -Tim Afterban
      I find it odd that people refer to sex as "the birds and the bees," because I talk about birds AND bees more than anyone, yet somehow I'm still a virgin.
      -Patrick Cassels
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    • Parents Just Don't Understand

      9/23

      by Susanna Wolff September 23, 2008


      Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace," "SpaceBook," or "The World Wide Web?"
      If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here!
      And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!

      Your parents' Mortal Kombat.
      My high school Spanish teacher, on multiple occasions, has been known to photocopy blank pieces of paper in order to get more blank pieces of paper. She's completely oblivious to the fact that you can open the copier to take out the paper.
      Jared Kent, Johnson & Wales University

      My mother was having trouble trying to get a slide show on a DVD. For several minutes she kept taking the disk out, looking at it, and then putting it back in the computer. Finally she looked over at me and said, "It's not burning. The disk is still shiny."
      Jacob W, Ivy tech

      My school sent out an email to let everyone know that the internet was down....
      Ryan Leblond, MCPHS

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    • Huge Tennis: Proposal for a New Sport

      by Streeter Seidell September 23, 2008

      I propose a new sport.  It's called Huge Tennis. Here are the rules.


      Each team has five players - two hitters and three dodgers.  Each player must stay within his designated zone and no player, or the ball, may touch the restricted zone.  The hitters are responsible for hitting the ball back to the other side, as in normal tennis.  The dodgers are responsible for avoiding being hit by the ball.  The court itself is much bigger than a standard tennis court, allowing the hitters to really smash the ball (court specifications subject to change upon testing the gameplay in real life).

      Points are awarded as such.

      • If a hitter fails to return a volley, the opposite team is awarded a point.
      • If a dodger is hit by the ball, the opposite team is awarded a point.
      • If the ball hits the restricted zone or lands out of bounds, the opposite team of the last team to touch the ball is awarded a point.
      • If a hitter hits his own dodger or the net, the opposite team is awarded a point.

      Service is based on a 'make it, take it' system with the first team to 21 points, by 2 points, winning.

      There is it, Huge Tennis.

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    • The Morning After Heroes

      The Second Coming/The Butterfly Effect

      by Andrew B. September 23, 2008


      Where We Last Left Our Heroes: Hiro dispatched of Adam Monroe by burying him alive, Peter stopped the virus from being unleashed after trying to unleash it, Maya went to Mohinder to get her to stop crying black goo but ended up bringing Sylar along for a cure to his impotence, Nikki got all blown up, and Nathan was shot just as he was about to finish his long-winded speech about how he can fly. And in the final chilling scene, Sylar grabbed a can of spinach. DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!


      This Week On Heroes: Peter is running quickly past some warehouses...except it isn't Peter at all! It's...FuturePeter! And just like PresentPeter, he forgets that he can fly, teleport, and who knows what else instead of wasting time by running. Apparently things suck pretty hard in the future (as always), as FutureClaire puts a gun to Peter's head. She's upset that the future sucks so much as well, and plans on taking it out on the one person in the future who has so many powers that a gun could never pose any sort of threat at all. Regardless, she tries to shoot him right as he travels back in time to "change things."

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    • The Morning After Gossip Girl

      The Ex-Files

      by Katie Marino September 22, 2008


      Best episode in a while. I don't want to say that Gossip Girl is heating up just yet, but Gossip Girl is heating up.

      It's the first day of school at Constance Billiard/St. Jude's, and (surprise surprise) nobody wants to go! Kids hate school. Lily is back from Taiwan or Fiji or wherever, but Bart is still in Asia "on business" (banging that Japanese chick from last episode). Here's how much Serena doesn't want to face Dan: She would rather stay home and listen to Lily tell sex stories than go to school. Maybe if Lily were having sex with Chuck, I would want to hear those stories. Maybe. (Chuck mentions something about Serena reclaiming her title as Official Queen of UES Girls Aged 14-17 Years, but nobody pays attention because Eric distracts them with rumors of a champagne-filled limousine.)

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    • Your Typical Alternative School Newspaper

      by Ninja-Sonik September 22, 2008

      On every college campus across the world, a constant battle rages between the monotonous daily news publication and the hip, underground alternative news source. This "anti-school" paper represents everything awesome about college. Where else could you read articles about getting drunk and hooking up with skanks? I mean seriously, where else could anyone get that type of content? Through this monopoly of all stories cool, the alternative school newspaper captures the hearts and minds of their student body. Unfortunately, their editorial staff (and content for that matter) is typically just as lackluster as their mainstream counterparts. Below are some personality profiles for the editorial staff working at your typical alternative school newspaper.

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    • Titles of R.L. Stine Novels that also Describe some of My Past Blind Dates

      by Andrew R. Juhl September 22, 2008

      • Night of the Living Dummy
      • It Came From the Internet
      • The Dare
      • Vampire Breath
      • Attack of the Mutant
      • Escape from the Carnival of Horrors
      • Slappy's Nightmare
      • The Beast from the East
      • How I Got My Shrunken Head
      • Monster Dog
      • Night of a Thousand Claws
      • The Werewolf in the Living Room
      • The Sleepwalker
      • Return to the Carnival of Horrors
      • My Hairiest Adventure
      • Secret Agent Grandma
      • A Shocker on Shock Street
      • Toy Terror: Batteries Included
      • The Funhouse of Dr. Freek
      • The Stepsister
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    • The Dark Side Of The Moon

      by The Weekling September 22, 2008

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    • Mike Birbiglia

      by Mike Birbiglia September 22, 2008

      Secret Public Friends!

      Can't thank you enough for coming to the first 10 dates on my tour. Every show has been sold out or at least "looks" sold out. (Shhh...It's all about perception!) And between Toledo, Milwaukee, Chicago, Tarrytown, Boston, and Philly " it should end with a bang. Or at least a serious makeout session. Get your tickets now because they'll either sell out or "look" sold out. (don't take your chances with this one.)

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    • Back to the grind...

      by Murray The Nut September 22, 2008


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    • The Hurricane Brothers

      by Christian Hughes September 22, 2008

      ( Gustav waits anxiously as his younger brother, Ike ,walks through the door.)


      Gustav: Oh hey Ike, way to be home on time. It's not like we had plans or anything.

      Ike: Would you chill out? I was out getting some doughnuts ok

      Gustav: Oh good. That's really just great. Keep filling up fatty, it's not like you took up 80 percent of the Gulf of Mexico or anything..

      Ike: .....You KNOW I have a thyroid problem!

      Gustav: Oh is that it? See I thought only fatasses took 2 days to make landfall after hitting Cuba. Maybe it's just me I don't know.

      Ike: Really Gustav? Gonna pull that card huh? At least I didn't buckle under the pressure and fall to a Category 2 at the last minute before landfall!

      Gustav: My wind was ONE  mile an hour under the cutoff! I was TOTALLY shorted on that!

      Ike: Oh yeah? What about your storm surge Gustie? Huh?

      Gustav:....(sigh)14 feet.....

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    • A Refresher For Heroes: Villains

      by Andrew B. September 22, 2008


      Season 3 of Heroes starts tonight with a two-hour premiere. This season, as you might have noticed, is about villains. But what happened before villains started showing up? Where are we in the story? How can someone with a genetic mutations travel through time? Here's a quick refresher for the simple story about a bunch of random people and their superpowers that they have no clue how to use, while occasionally staring at a solar eclipse without going blind.

      The Basic Plot of Every Season Thus Far:
      After one hero travels to the future to discover New York has been decimated by a catastrophe, he returns to the present to stop said terrible event from ever occurring. Meanwhile, several heroes from across the world have pointless "adventures" to stall for time until a bunch of them meet up in the finale. Then it turns out that Peter Petrelli has an integral role in causing the terrible event, but he is ultimately able to stop it. And then the season ends with a groan of disappointment from the viewers.

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    • CollegeHumor Classic

      The Facebook of Genesis

      by Andrew B. November 10, 2008


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    • CollegeHumor Classic

      These 10 Games Should

      by Jason Michaels November 14, 2008




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    • Earth's Newsfeed

      by Susanna Wolff November 21, 2008
      Bringing you the news the only way you understand it...
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    • 5 Students, If College Had A Character Creation System

      by Jason Michaels November 03, 2008




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    • AmazingSuperPowers: Survival

      by AmazingSuperPowers November 11, 2008
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    • Roommate Confessions

      Issue 50

      by Jeff Rosenberg October 30, 2008


      It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.

      A few years ago I lived in a house with 3 great guys and one turd burglar. We got along well except for the one guy who did nothing but play video games on the only T.V. in the house and smoke, which wouldn't have been a problem except that nobody else could ever use the common room. All the guys are pretty passive but were annoyed that they never got use of the room so the solution - clear nail polish. On one of the rare occasion he went to class I would coat the prongs of the plug for his Playstation with a thin layer of clear nail polish and let it dry then plug it in. The nail polish prevented the electrical connection and the Playstation wouldn't work. He replaced it 3 times and the same thing happened each time. He never did figure it out but starting hanging out as his goon buddies house instead since their Playstations worked - problem solved.

      Dave S., Ryerson

      I met this girl named Amee the first week of freshman year. The first night I met over she came home with me and left an over-sized sweater that I started to wear and eventually kept. We saw each other for about 2 months and she seemed perfect. One weekend she went home to visit family. She didn't tell me but I found out from her roommate that she'd gone home to see her ex-boyfriend. This sucked for me but I was getting straight down to business. She texted me all weekend saying she "misses me", weak sauce. The night she came back I had her over like usual and acted regular. She was up at 3am and had to go to the floors washroom, as she often did. The washroom was just outside my room so she got up without changing. We were talking and she asked what she should be for Halloween. Not missing a beat, I said "Why don't you go as a skank? I've got a sweater you could use." I threw the sweater to her and closed my door. She knew exactly what just happened and got frostbitten while she walked home with nothing but that sweater on. November in Ottawa is a b*tch.
      Paul Ley, University of Ottawa

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    • Roommate Confessions

      Issue 51

      by Jeff Rosenberg November 06, 2008


      It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.

      You know how game shows have the play at home game where you can text in a number and it gives you a shot at winning money? Junior year my housemates and I conspired to trick our friend into thinking he won $250,000 on "Deal or No Deal." Earlier in the week I called my brother and let him know that if I texted him between 8-9 PM, he should call our housemate and pretend that he won the grand prize. It took several days, but on Thursday, he guessed the correct briefcase. My brother called him three minutes later and told him the good news and to stand by for further instructions. My housemate started running around, screaming about how this was going to change his life. We almost felt bad when he started talking about all the stuff he was going to buy us. He was on the phone with his parents when the show returned announcing the real winner as Jane Doe from East Moosehead, Minnesota. My housemate dropped to his knees with a look of utter devastation on his face. We started laughing as he ran to his room to hide. He came out about 15 minutes later and said he couldn't be mad because that was the best prank he had ever seen.
      Nate Miller, Ithaca College



      Billy, because you wouldn't shower, we would febreeze you while you slept. Also, stop calling yourself Billy, your name is Bih-Chuan.
      Phil C, Maryland

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    • Roommate Confessions

      Issue 52

      by Jeff Rosenberg November 17, 2008


      It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here.


      One night I got completely fed up with both of these girls so I took all their clothing out of their drawers and lined the bottom of the drawers with gravy. When they confronted me about the gravy I said I caught some random person in our room earlier and they were messing with your drawers, but I stopped them right as they were about to dump my clothes out of my drawers. The reason I strongly believe they are douche bags is because they loved cats like nobody's business and it just got quite annoying to the point of insanity. They had my room decked out in everything cats; cat calendar, cat mouse pad, cat comforter, cat posters, cat pjs, cat dolls, and a HUGE CAT throw rug in the shape of a CATS head! Also what do you think they were for Halloween? Oh, ust let me you tell you. They were butterflies... haha jk they were flipping CATS!!!!!! Shoot me, I still have to live with them for two more quarters any suggestions?

      Patricia Ortega, UCLA

      No, you didn't knock your phone into your fish bowls while you were sleeping - I tossed it in after you fell asleep, you dumb b*tch.
      B. T., Some School in Georgia

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    • Goldilocks

      by Fatawesome November 09, 2008

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    • Roommate Confessions

      Issue 53

      by Jeff Rosenberg November 21, 2008


      It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here!

      So you may be wondering about how I was able to pay for that brand new EA Sports NCAA Basketball 2009. Well your stupid ass leaves change all over the room, and you don't notice when it goes missing. It isn't missing, I am well aware of where it is going. In my drawer. Where it has accumulated over the last 2 months until it reached $61.31. Just enough for me to buy the new EA sports basketball game. What am I doing later tonight? Playing the game that you unbeknownst bought for me.
      Keegan Rush, Guilford College


      I used to live with this girl, a few weeks ago, that had parties all the time and drank every night and had a boyfriend in another state, while sleeping with 3 different guys here. She also flirted with my boyfriend every chance she got. When I moved out, she hid a bunch of my stuff in her room where I would leave it. The day before I moved out I put jalapeno Juice in the soda, ranch and Ketchup and also in her face soap. Did you ever wonder why your face started stinging when you wash it in the mornings? Maybe you can learn to get a job and pay your own rent instead of trying to get money from every one of your f*ck buddies.
      Michelle Q., Texas

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    • 5 Facebook Political Views

      by Brian Murphy November 17, 2008
      Post-election Facebook is the worst. From liberals and their celebratory status updates to conservatives and their paranoid diatribes, social networking is more annoying than ever. For every few sane people with political opinions they can keep to themselves or argue reasonably, there's one person who never shuts up. These people are not of one affiliation, but from all over the political spectrum.

      Very Conservative

      The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."

      Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.

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    • 5 People Who Visit on Thanksgiving

      by Brian Murphy November 24, 2008
      The Buzzkill

      It's tradition in most households for everyone at the dinner table to talk about what they're thankful for. Most people just go through the motions and speak about something broad, but The Buzzkill is extremely candid. She'll go into excruciating detail about the "tough year" she had and how she's so thankful to have lived through it. Is there anything more awkward than hearing about a single mother struggling to provide for her children when all you want to do is devour delicious turkey? I'm not saying you shouldn't feel bad for her - BUT MASHED POTATOES!
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    • The Evolution of Your Thanksgiving Break Plans

      by Jeff Rosenberg November 25, 2008
      Freshman Year:

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    • Parents Just Don't Understand

      11/4

      by Susanna Wolff November 04, 2008



      Do your parents not understand technology? Do they ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages? Do they use words like "MyFace," "SpaceBook," or "The World Wide Web?"
      If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here!
      And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are!
      Your parents' hard drive.

      My mom was cleaning out the house and found my Nintendo Power Pad. She asked if I still wanted my "electric twister."
      The Esteemed Founder of This Fine Column, Mr. Jeff Rubin

      My dad carries around every cell phone he has ever owned because when he gets a new one it doesn't have his old numbers in its phonebook.
      drexel neumann

      My mom is convinced I can pick up in my cell phone voice mail. every time she calls I get "Chris....it's mom...are you there?.....Pick up if you're there....ok, well, it's mom....pick up.....well I guess you're not there....call me when you get this. It's mom. 555-1212."
      Chris Colby

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