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Premed- "I wonder what the cause of death was? Looks like head trauma. I think I'll perform the autopsy... where did I leave my scalpel?"

Yesterday, Google introduced their new Android cell phone platform, which is expected to bring big competition to the iPhone, but people are already starting to notice a few glitches with the new phone's features.

Specifically the Did-You-Mean feature:

Inspired by Clay Aiken's brave decision to publicly come out as a homosexual, other singers have followed by revealing shocking revelations about themselves that no one could have ever seen coming:

Stevie Wonder: "I'm blind."

P. Diddy: "I'm an African-American."

Ruben Studdard: "I'm overweight."

Michael Jackson: "I've had a little plastic surgery."

Tony Bennett: "I'm old as hell."

Sisqo: "I'm no longer popular."

Amy Winehouse: "I've taken drugs once or twice."

William Shatner: "I'm not really a singer."

David Bowie: "I'm a human being."

Chris Gaines: "I'm Garth Brooks."

Eminem: "I'm from Detroit."

Miley Cyrus: "I like merchandising my face and name."

Elvis Presley: "I'm dead." (via publicist)

• college hoodies, LOTS of college hoodies
• one of your friends somehow gained 15 pounds in 4 weeks
• your younger brother doesn't know how to erase his browsing history, and also has developed a taste for furry porn
• your high school friends don't give a shit about your college friends
• your college friends don't give a shit about your high school friends
• high school girls aren't nearly as bitchy as college girls
• you spend your saturday night wondering what parties your friends are at back at school
• you'll log into AIM within 5 minutes of getting home and put up an away message reading "home" that you will leave up for the entire weekend
• you'll question stealing liquor from your parents, decide not to, and then immediately regret it once you return to school
• your high school english teacher has already forgotten about you
• even though you have gotten into world of warcraft in a big way, you find yourself telling people that you party 4 nights a week
• your bedroom is now home to no less than 7 pillows and 12 blankets

I hate Freshmen.

The term originates off the coast of Jamaica where a voodoo witch doctor constructed the first freshman out of clay and blood of foreign exchange students.

The word itself is a conjunction of two commonly used English words, Fresh and man. Freshman translates from Jamaican to the English equivalent, New Man. Like a zombie rising from the grave, a Freshman, or New Man is a blank slate that I personally believe has had any interesting or unique personality traits wiped away by the ancient voodoo witch doctor's curse. After the first freshman, the infectious curse spread quickly to 18 year olds and high school students across the country.

With their minds erased, any and all media input from TV to the internet easily fills the vacuous cavity in their skull with garbage and leaves them to be raving, unstoppable, god-forsaken, freshman. It's like AIDS for the brain. Some even say we have reason to believe that Samuel L. Jackson is in cahoots with the Witch Doctor, which also explains why he is in every movie ever made... To corrupt the minds of the freshmen.

I have taken the liberty of classifying these "Freshmen" into 6major categories some with their own subcategories listed below: The Poser, The New-Age Hippie and the Emo we will be discussing today.

The Poser: The poser is one who could strike from anywhere, posing as anything or anyone. Making it one of the most dangerous and shocking freshmen out there. I've heard that some can pose so well they can actually pose as shadows and strike from the darkness. Most often times the cursed freshman take the form of a faux longboard skateboarder, snowboarder, reggae artist, revolutionary, intellectual, gangster or worse.

How to Eliminate: The easiest way to discover if they are a freshman poser is to make careful observations. they will often break "character" as you will see them fall off their skateboards, totally suck at guitar, read at a 7th grade level, and have opinions on world matters that only go so deep as to say something like "genocide is bad." To combat these heinous threats to humanity we must reveal their charade.

Once revealed the poser freshman will rapidly disintegrate to a fine carbon/nitrogen dust and drift away in the wind. Avoid contact with the dust to ensure no risk of infection.

The New-Age Hippie: Certainly the most frequent occurrence of dangerous freshman, they are easily identified by riding bikes instead of driving, smoking various herbs, and criticizing what they call conformists. They always wear the right cuff of their pant leg rolled up and wear shirts saying "share the road." They are attracted to heavy exhaust so make sure to stay on foot especially if you're in an area with a known New-Age hippie infection. (also avoid bicycles from wal-mart)The new-age hippie has several sub varieties here is one:

The Emo: Emo freshmen may be the worst of the curse. The curse has somehow shrunken their pants and clothes restricting the blood flow to muscles and causing muscular atrophy making these horrid beasts appear ultra pathetic and weak. One way to identify them is by the easily identifiable patricidal hate in their eyes. Although it'd difficult to get a good look because the Emo freshmen tend to keep their hair over their entire face. A ploy designed to fool the non freshmans. But don't be tricked, their whining is like brain daggers wielded by tiny OJ simpsons, infiltrating your ears. They will attack with extreme prejudice and the cold, cold hate in their eyes proves the curse is very real and not a joke.

How to Eliminate: Keep a sturdy walking stick, crowbar or other linear object handy to throw into the bicycle wheels of the New-Age Hippie. Generally, because they don't want to mess up their dreadlocks or pony-tails they won't wear a helmet and be killed upon impact due to the lack of fat as padding from their vegan diets. As for Emos its much simpler. A good ridiculing statement will usually throw them into panic at which point they tend to eliminate themselves.

I have to move on for now. They are approaching this alley, I will try to get more information on the Freshmen known as The Dudes and the others next time. for now keep a close eye out for these clues, and remember.

STAY ALERT, STAY ALIVE.

I propose a new sport.  It's called Huge Tennis. Here are the rules.

Each team has five players - two hitters and three dodgers.  Each player must stay within his designated zone and no player, or the ball, may touch the restricted zone.  The hitters are responsible for hitting the ball back to the other side, as in normal tennis.  The dodgers are responsible for avoiding being hit by the ball.  The court itself is much bigger than a standard tennis court, allowing the hitters to really smash the ball (court specifications subject to change upon testing the gameplay in real life).

Points are awarded as such.

• If a hitter fails to return a volley, the opposite team is awarded a point.
• If a dodger is hit by the ball, the opposite team is awarded a point.
• If the ball hits the restricted zone or lands out of bounds, the opposite team of the last team to touch the ball is awarded a point.
• If a hitter hits his own dodger or the net, the opposite team is awarded a point.

Service is based on a 'make it, take it' system with the first team to 21 points, by 2 points, winning.

There is it, Huge Tennis.

Where We Last Left Our Heroes: Hiro dispatched of Adam Monroe by burying him alive, Peter stopped the virus from being unleashed after trying to unleash it, Maya went to Mohinder to get her to stop crying black goo but ended up bringing Sylar along for a cure to his impotence, Nikki got all blown up, and Nathan was shot just as he was about to finish his long-winded speech about how he can fly. And in the final chilling scene, Sylar grabbed a can of spinach. DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!

This Week On Heroes: Peter is running quickly past some warehouses...except it isn't Peter at all! It's...FuturePeter! And just like PresentPeter, he forgets that he can fly, teleport, and who knows what else instead of wasting time by running. Apparently things suck pretty hard in the future (as always), as FutureClaire puts a gun to Peter's head. She's upset that the future sucks so much as well, and plans on taking it out on the one person in the future who has so many powers that a gun could never pose any sort of threat at all. Regardless, she tries to shoot him right as he travels back in time to "change things."

Best episode in a while. I don't want to say that Gossip Girl is heating up just yet, but Gossip Girl is heating up.

It's the first day of school at Constance Billiard/St. Jude's, and (surprise surprise) nobody wants to go! Kids hate school. Lily is back from Taiwan or Fiji or wherever, but Bart is still in Asia "on business" (banging that Japanese chick from last episode). Here's how much Serena doesn't want to face Dan: She would rather stay home and listen to Lily tell sex stories than go to school. Maybe if Lily were having sex with Chuck, I would want to hear those stories. Maybe. (Chuck mentions something about Serena reclaiming her title as Official Queen of UES Girls Aged 14-17 Years, but nobody pays attention because Eric distracts them with rumors of a champagne-filled limousine.)

On every college campus across the world, a constant battle rages between the monotonous daily news publication and the hip, underground alternative news source. This "anti-school" paper represents everything awesome about college. Where else could you read articles about getting drunk and hooking up with skanks? I mean seriously, where else could anyone get that type of content? Through this monopoly of all stories cool, the alternative school newspaper captures the hearts and minds of their student body. Unfortunately, their editorial staff (and content for that matter) is typically just as lackluster as their mainstream counterparts. Below are some personality profiles for the editorial staff working at your typical alternative school newspaper.

• Night of the Living Dummy
• It Came From the Internet
• The Dare
• Vampire Breath
• Attack of the Mutant
• Escape from the Carnival of Horrors
• Slappy's Nightmare
• The Beast from the East
• How I Got My Shrunken Head
• Monster Dog
• Night of a Thousand Claws
• The Werewolf in the Living Room
• The Sleepwalker
• Return to the Carnival of Horrors
• My Hairiest Adventure
• Secret Agent Grandma
• A Shocker on Shock Street
• Toy Terror: Batteries Included
• The Funhouse of Dr. Freek
• The Stepsister

Secret Public Friends!

Can't thank you enough for coming to the first 10 dates on my tour. Every show has been sold out or at least "looks" sold out. (Shhh...It's all about perception!) And between Toledo, Milwaukee, Chicago, Tarrytown, Boston, and Philly " it should end with a bang. Or at least a serious makeout session. Get your tickets now because they'll either sell out or "look" sold out. (don't take your chances with this one.)

( Gustav waits anxiously as his younger brother, Ike ,walks through the door.)


Gustav: Oh hey Ike, way to be home on time. It's not like we had plans or anything.

Ike: Would you chill out? I was out getting some doughnuts ok

Gustav: Oh good. That's really just great. Keep filling up fatty, it's not like you took up 80 percent of the Gulf of Mexico or anything..

Ike: .....You KNOW I have a thyroid problem!

Gustav: Oh is that it? See I thought only fatasses took 2 days to make landfall after hitting Cuba. Maybe it's just me I don't know.

Ike: Really Gustav? Gonna pull that card huh? At least I didn't buckle under the pressure and fall to a Category 2 at the last minute before landfall!

Gustav: My wind was ONE  mile an hour under the cutoff! I was TOTALLY shorted on that!

Ike: Oh yeah? What about your storm surge Gustie? Huh?

Gustav:....(sigh)14 feet.....

Season 3 of Heroes starts tonight with a two-hour premiere. This season, as you might have noticed, is about villains. But what happened before villains started showing up? Where are we in the story? How can someone with a genetic mutations travel through time? Here's a quick refresher for the simple story about a bunch of random people and their superpowers that they have no clue how to use, while occasionally staring at a solar eclipse without going blind.

The Basic Plot of Every Season Thus Far: After one hero travels to the future to discover New York has been decimated by a catastrophe, he returns to the present to stop said terrible event from ever occurring. Meanwhile, several heroes from across the world have pointless "adventures" to stall for time until a bunch of them meet up in the finale. Then it turns out that Peter Petrelli has an integral role in causing the terrible event, but he is ultimately able to stop it. And then the season ends with a groan of disappointment from the viewers.

Post-election Facebook is the worst. From liberals and their celebratory status updates to conservatives and their paranoid diatribes, social networking is more annoying than ever. For every few sane people with political opinions they can keep to themselves or argue reasonably, there's one person who never shuts up. These people are not of one affiliation, but from all over the political spectrum.

The Very Conservative adheres to a strict diet of Fox News and The Washington Times. She's positive that the world is going to end with a democrat in office and lives solely to tell you about it. Before the election, she was posting 10-page theses about how electing Barack Obama meant surrendering the country to communism. Now that the election is over, she's smugly suggesting that anyone who voted differently than her must be legally retarded. She's quick to declare America's inadequacy in electing a worthy leader, and quick to forget her candidate won the last two elections. She'd be willing to see America completely destroyed under President Obama just to say, "I told you so."

Sample Status Update: Gertrude is rolling her eyes at America. I can't believe anyone would vote for a Marxist, but I guess you can blame the liberal media for painting him as a savior.

Freshman Year: