Well, the submission period is over, the faux celebrities are in, and now it's time for you to vote. It was tough narrowing down the submissions, but here are our top 5. Vote for your favorite below. The winner will receive actual fame (or a small cash prize, but still).

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Artwork by Happy Happy Happy Man, who I'd totes go gay for.

 

Track Selection:

1. We put this song at the beginning of the album cause it was the weakest thing we had, but since it's the first track, you're gonna have to listen to it every time you first put in the cd.

2. E oo ou e ooa i ie, ae' e ee? (We took out the consonants this time, aren't we clever?)

3. "It doesn't matter what we name this song, because if it's in quotes then it's meant to be ironic"

4. I don't (know) why we put words in (parentheses) when they're (essential) to understanding the song (title)

5. If you don't like this song then just break the CD in half and go to town on those wrists (Unless you illegally downloaded it, which pretty much goes for everyone, so just disregard that last thing...)

6. Maybe if we drop that last song down a half step and add a sweet disco beat no one will know the difference

7. I sure hope this gets mixed in with a rap song, cause alone it's not that great

8. I slept with someone in Fall Out Boy and he wouldn't stop crying when we were done

9. I'm getting tired of this, can't we just get MTV to name our songs for us?

10. Fame > Using my god given talents for something that benefits mankind

11. The only difference between Britney Spears and an uninteresting drug addict is press coverage (Oh wait. Wrong band...)

12. Even if this record bombs we can still hold the record for the longest song title on any album. All I have to do is keep writing and...oh no, the bottom of the CD case is coming up too fast we're never going to ma

Copyright 2012 Island Records

 

So you think your undergrad-assigned roommate may be a Mossad agent? Here are a few tips to help you decide:

1. She knew your blood type before you ever even met.

2. Her "cool party gag" is disassembling your laptop in less than 25 seconds.

3. She fashions an Uzi out of the heap of disassembled laptop parts.

4. She does that trick where she ties a cherry-stem into a knot using only her tongue. Except when she does it, the stem becomes an Uzi.

5. A week into your first semester, the school's German-studies program is suspended after it's uncovered that half the professors are Nazi war-criminals. *Bonus points if...after hearing about this you confront her in your dorm room and she looks at you with that "I have no idea what your talking about" face.

6. An annoying drunk dude hits on her at a party and she paralyzes him using only three pimento olives.

7. She uses the olives to assemble an Uzi.

8. Her cell rings at 4 am on consecutive nights. You ask who it is. She replies, "oh, it's just that asshole Michael Chertoff again."

9. She has perfect 20/20 vision and can detect small mammal movement at 50 yards. Blindfolded.

10. She read this article. Before I wrote it.

 

Gentlemen,

Dear God! I mean...dear GOD! This is bad. Like, I'm talking reeeeeal bad. Remember that time that kid found the severed head of a leper in a bag of our marshmallows? That was the golden age compared to what we're up against now. I mean, have you seen the news lately? Did you guys hear about this craziness? What the hell happened, people?!

Okay, I don't expect to have anyone in this room own up to it - I doubt its even possible that anyone in this room could be responsible - but I'll ask anyway:

Did any of you authorize the creation of a 100-ft. tall marshmallow creature bearing the copyrighted Stay-Puft Marshmallow logo and bearing a very strong resemblance to our mascot? Huh?

Johnson! I think we should cut funding to our "genetic modification" sector. Just in case.

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Written with Amir Blumenfeld.

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A hive of bees is alive and bustling. A human approaches, and is noticed by one of the bees, who turns to the swarm in a panic.

Bee #1: Fellow bees, look! The giant approaches!

(an audible gasp is heard across the swarm, as they freeze and stare at the shadowy figure in terror)

Bee #2: We must act quickly before it strikes!

Bee #3: This is the day we've all been training for! You know the drill. To your battle stati-

(he is distracted by a single bee in the midst of the swarm, tentatively raising his hand)

Bee #3 contd: Yes, Harold?

Harold: Um, yes, hi. Sorry to interrupt your speech, but don't you think this is a little...dumb?

(the swarm pauses despite their panic, shocked by Harold's audacity)

Bee #3: What is the meaning of this, Harold?

Harold: I mean...the giant doesn't seem on the offensive. It just appears to be leaking from some odd frontal protrusion.

(the swarm glances over to the human, who is drunkenly peeing in a nearby bush)

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Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

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Mathematics: Carve all of the formulas into the wooden notches of your abacus. Proctors can clear the memory of a TI-89, but they won't take the time to sand down your addition machine.

English: Discreetly conceal The Complete Works of Shakespeare under your tattered Pink Floyd hoodie.

Communication: Unnecessary. If you really need answers, just ask the guy sitting beside you. Your professor is probably willing to help out, too.

Theater: Use an understudy and sleep in. This is especially effective if your character wears a mask.

Philosophy: Get "enlightened" before the test. Like, enlightened out of your skull. Remember to bring snacks.

Contra: Up up down down left right left right B A start

Business: Politely remind the professor that you are a scholarship athlete.

Biology: Train a parrot to squawk the answers, and bring him to class. Your professor is likely an animal rights activist, so there's no chance he'll remove the bird from the classroom. (Unless it poops, then all bets are off.)

Elementary Education: Write the answers on the inside of your 64-color Crayola box.

Art: Starve a dog. Paint the answers on its exposed ribs.

Physics: Change majors. Seriously, what were you thinking?
 

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Male Lifeguard: Look at that fat kid that just jumped in the pool!

Female Lifeguard: That's Wendall Blatt you gay idiot. How can you even tell he's fat, he's wearing a big t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Trust me, he's fat as sh*t. Why else would he try to hide his body under a t-shirt?

Female Lifeguard: Duh, it's more comfortable. I wish I could swim in a t-shirt, but my boobs are too big.

Male Lifeguard: Doesn't my nose look retarded with this sunblock and aren't my glasses too big for my pea sized head?

Female Lifeguard: Yes.

Male Lifeguard: I'm a gay ass loser and now I'm going to blow my whistle at Wendell and tell him to stop hanging on the lane line.

Female Lifeguard: He's not hanging on the lane line, he's resting for one second, relax. You don't know how hard it is to swim in a soaking wet oversized t-shirt.

Male Lifeguard: Oh my God the water is changing colors near him. I think he's peeing. Look he's looking around to see if anyone is noticing.

Female lifeguard: So what? The pool is freezing. I pee in the pool all the time. God my nipples are hard.

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Left-Side-Of-Brain: Hmm, what do you want to dream about tonight, Hank?
Right Brain: Falling off a cliff?
Left Brain: ...You always say that...
Right Brain: How about that cute girl in English? I'd like to anec her dote!
Left Brain: Not tonight, Jason's with his girlfriend.
Right Brain: Fine party-pooper, you start us off...
Left Brain: Alright. Jason, you are playing Guess Who in your living room. All your friends and family are there. You guess your opponent's character in one turn. Everyone goes nuts! Someone hands you a prize. You open it.
Right Brain: It's a big, black dildo! Then you start making out with Lindsay Lohan!
Left Brain: Huh?
Right Brain: Out of nowhere you starting falling from an airplane! Oh crap, your penis just fell off of your body!
Left Brain: God damnit! He has an exam tomorrow. He needs good sleep! Jason, you are not scared. You are not feeling panicked. Although you are falling from the sky, you are completely relaxed. You look to your right and you see a beautiful -
Right Brain: Criss Angel. He's nude and he's putting hot wax on his testicles.   KEEP READING

Walter is seventeen years old, in a suit, and driving fast. The only thing sitting shotgun is a bouquet of roses he just picked up. His thoughts are energizing him...

Tonight is the night I prove everybody wrong. Little Walter Wivlak's all grown up.

"Hey Walter," they yelled, "What's the matter homo, can't get a date to the prom?"HA! Time to prove you wrong Mr. Parsons. Mr. World's meanest math teacher ever!

I worked my ass off for this night... raising money the old fashioned way -- playing World of Warcraft until I earned a Stealhawk Crossbow then selling that for $600 on a fantasy message board. Spent that money on a Russian lesbian mail-order prom-date/wife.

I even spent $140 of MY OWN MOM'S MONEY buying her a blue lace bikini/skirt get up so that she can attract maximum attention to her hot bod and ultimately me.

When she asked for another $280 to bring her sister over to the states, I thought she was just taking advantage of me. But after a few written guarantees that it was indeed her sister and not just her lesbian girlfriend, and a quick eBay sale (Good bye bed!) things were as right as rain again. Hell I'll sleep on the floor for the rest of my life to have this girl all to myself for just one night.

Just one night...

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It's surprisingly easy to learn a lot about your instructors based on the messages they send you. Check it out.

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