CollegeHumor Channel: Homepage

Issue #80

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:54:25 EST

This week's episode: "The Prague Heist!" I really hate swimming. Except when I'm drowning. Then I suddenly think its awesome. -Andrew Gundrum Priceline Hostage Negotiator Gunman: If you don't get me a plane, I'm gonna start offin' hostages! PHN: Don't worry, I got you your plane! Here's the ticket. Gunman: You're charging me $99 for a coach seat on a commercial flight with a layover in Atlanta? You're awful at this. -Andrew B. From time to time I wish I could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict. -Jay Walker Academic research tip I developed this new research technique for when I have a paper to write on a historical figure: I Google the person's name, except I drop the last name and anagram the first. So for George Washington, I'd Google "eorgge". The only problem is it does not work at all. -William Way Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by 105%-O-Matic from Bucks County Community College 65 likes

The Real "Rock Band" Tour Bus

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Drummer: Driver, step on it! Guitarist: Those fans are crazy. Someone threw a brick at me...like a real live brick... Drummer: Enough bitching! What the hell happened to you back there Chad? Guitarist: Umm, I started playing poorly? Drummer: So you decided to just stop playing all together? Guitarist: Well I missed like 12 notes in a row man. It was really embarrassing. Drummer: Well, guess what? It was really REALLY embarrassing when I went into overdrive, covered for your lazy ass, and then you go mess up the song again... Guitarist: I went backstage to heat up a hotdog. I told you that! Anyways, you didn't even give me that break to eat between gigs... Drummer: You are so selfish bro. We were freaking 85% done and I already did that hard solo... Guitarist: I'm sorry man, I just think we need a break...like maybe a month or two off? I don't think I can handle this many shows a day. Drummer: What was that? Guitarist: We've done over eighty gigs! In twelve hours! In nine countries! It is exhausting! Drummer: Oh, so that makes it alright just to abandon a gig in front of 40,000 screaming fans? Guitarist: You're right, it's not alright, but it doesn't change the fact that I am sick and tired of playing covers of Lit's My Own Worst Enemy. That song wasn't even that good. Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Jason Michaels from University of Illinois 78 likes

Cute College Girl: Tina

Tue, 07 Oct 2008 16:30:00 EST

Featured Today

Parents Just Don't Understand: 10/7

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Do your parents not understand technology? Dothey ask you stupid questions? Do they send you absurd text messages?Do they use words like "MyFace," "SpaceBook," or "The World Wide Web?" If you've got an example of your Parents Just Don't Understanding, submit it here! And thank God we'll never be as dumb as they are! Your parents' iPhone. I bought a couple tickets on Ebay for a pre-season NFL game. They were E-tickets, so when I paid for them the "new at this" guy emailed me tickets to the wrong game. He then promptly noticed his mistake and e-mailed me frantically, asking me to please send that file back to him so he could send it to the correct person. I did. Amber Higginbotham My mother bought a Mp3 player and she asked me to put songs on it. I asked her what type of songs she wanted. She said the internet would know. Aldo Mora Last year, my dad accidentally grabbed my phone instead of his before he left for work. After school, I got the phone back from him and I realized that even though he has become familiar with cell phones, he has never encountered T-9, considering my phone had the following four text message drafts: "Thigh", "Thighigh", "Thighighighig", "Thighighighighigh" At dinner, he apologetically confessed to me that my phone is broken and he thinks he did it. Austin Erickson Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Susanna Wolff from Columbia 42 likes

Cyanide and Happiness

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

More Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net View Article

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Cyanide & Happiness 65 likes

Excerpts From a Romance Novel I Wrote as a Child

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Brian Murphy 570 likes

Cute College Girl: Chelsea

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 16:00:00 EST

Featured Yesterday

Roommate Confessions: Issue 46

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds here. One of my roommates was a dumb redneck who never paid his rent, ate all my food, and brought back ugly and/or fat hoes that chilled at our place all the time. One day, I got a hold of some "magic mushrooms". I made some pasta and offered him some. Of course, that cheap loser won't ever turn it down. In his pasta, I added the 'shrooms. Right after we ate, I gave him beer. While he wasn't looking, I added some laxative to his beer. He drank the whole beer. About an hour later, this guy was freaking out. He would go into the bathroom and look at himself in the mirror and yell at himself. The funniest part came when he was tripping and he had the shts. He was literally crying while he was talking a dump. J Gritz, Western Illinois* You know how you asked me to feed your fish while you went away for the weekend? Well I completely forgot, and instead spent the weekend celebrating the fact that the RA (you) was away by smoking and throwing a ridiculous party in our apartment. I really didn't think you were going to cry about a fish, or spend three hours on the phone with Petco because you thought he was sick. Deliliah Cosgrove, School Not Given Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Jeff Rosenberg from NYU 57 likes

The Gemma Atkinson bikini calendar is going to make 2009 a very good year

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 08:00:00 -0500

Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Keep Reading

Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Pat Keegan

64 likes

Drunk-O-Vision VI

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Things look a little different when you're drunk... Sober ::: Drunk Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Streeter Seidell from Fordham 611 likes

Pop Culture CliffsNotes: Oct 3

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

So the Vice Presidential debates were last night. Hopefully this is not news to any of you. What did you think? I personally would like to elect Joe Biden's teeth President. Those things put on a better performance than both candidates combined.

But enough about those fake, worthless public figures, let's talk about celebrities!

Let's start this off right with a little Winehouse, shall we? This week, Amy punched a fan in the face because she was 'startled' by all the 'flashbulbs.' Which sounds like a sign they would have outside the monkey cage at the zoo. It's official: Amy is so messed up she is actually devolving. (DListed)

Heather Locklear was arrested this week of a suspected DUI (which turned out to be false). Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the 'witness' who had called police was actually a bitter former Us Weekly employee, who then tipped off paparazzi of the imminent arrest. Holy crap, right? I'm as shocked as you that anyone would actually care that much about Heather Locklear. (IDLYITW, CelebSlam)

But never fear, Heather, everybody knows celebrities are above the law anyway. This week we learned that neither Kayne West (charged with vandalism) nor Shia LaBeouf (charged with a DUI) will face any consequences for their actions. Damn you, OJ 2.0. This is all your fault. (DListed, WWTDD)

Keep Reading

Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Sarah Schneider from Wake Forest

19 likes

Cute College Girl: Meredith

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 13:30:00 EST

Featured Friday, Oct 3

Honest Alumni E-Mail and Response

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

Tyler's response to the e-mail after the jump. And click here to watch our Original Video Series 'Reality' Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Jeff Rosenberg from NYU 90 likes

The Seven Types of Grandma

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

The Textbook: Kind eyes, a precise five-centimeter half-ro extended off her shriveled skull, godlike pie-making skills, and a card-carrying Wheel Watchers member, the Textbook is the grandma we've all heard of yet never actually encountered. I'll admit, some grandmas come close, but they usually have a catch, like a gambling addiction or a club foot. Still, take what you can get, as any grandmother with a proclivity for baking who isn't girdle-deep in tears for her deceased husband is something to be cherished.

The No-Vacancy: Keep a "Caution: wet floor" sign around this grandma, because she drools more than Sarah Palin during an episode of Rocky and Bullwinkle. If a No-Vacancy can walk, which they usually can't, it's only to the nearest window to talk to clouds. A No-Vacancy is completely checked out, will mutter in a way that makes Dikembe Mutombo seem articulate, and has all the composure of Michael Jackson in a moon bounce. If your grandma is a No-Vacancy, it's alright to be disappointed. Just remember: she never counts what's in her purse.

Primeval Barbie: Usually found thumbing through sports bras in Macy's, the Primeval Barbie is the grandma who clings to youth like a dingleberry that just won't come loose. Primeval Barbie has her cosmetic surgeon on speed dial, and thinks of herself as an intergenerational liaison, an idea that is flagrantly malformed and senseless. If you can't poop without supplements, you shouldn't be allowed to have a normal conversation with your granddaughter. End of discussion.

Keep Reading

Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Steve Ethridge from Taylor

43 likes

CollegeHumor Live: NYC - Craig Baldo

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 17:41:00 EST

"The comic riffs on party schools, smoking, and getting mugged by Jimi Hendrix."

Uploaded Thursday, Oct 2 by CH Staff

92 likes

Pre-Debate Vice Presidential Desks

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

An exclusive sneak peek at the candidate's prep desks before the debate: Sen. Biden: Gov. Palin after the jump Keep Reading

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Owen Parsons 111 likes

Cute College Girl: Hannah-Lee

Thu, 02 Oct 2008 16:00:00 EST

Featured Thursday, Oct 2

The Weekly WYR: October 2nd

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

It's Jake's favorite time of the week, it's time for the Weekly WYR. See if you're brave enough to choose a side in what surely are the universe's most difficult quagmires. And remember, if you've got a great WYR, submit it at the bottom of this or any WYR article. Would You Rather... Say a popsicle stick joke every time you meet someone or a Snapple fact From Danny Get a hand job from the pokemon geodude, or get a blow job from charmander From ricky Work at the Max and be able to always have a threesome with Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa without being caught, or win over the hearts of every girl at Bayside High, but those three From Paul Have to chug every liquid you drink, or have to drink it through a twisty sprialy straw From Aaron Have too much salt on everything you ate or never have salt on anything you eat From Trevor Have a Mcdonalds in your house. or Live in the playboy mansion From Justin Eat three dozen normal sized cockroaches, or eat one giant cockroach the size of a housecat From Joe Have something stuck in your eye all day, every other day, or a dental floss lodged in the back of your throat forever From mike Put poop chapstick on your lips and rub them together, or use a poop cell phone until your next upgrade From sean Finally, this week's winner of the I'd totally pay $10,000 for either of those Award is Optimus, who sent in this. Piss silly string or ejaculate those snakes that pop out of joke peanut cans? From Optimus You'd have the coolest dick ever, and probably get arrested. If you have a good WYR, submit it here. Check back every Friday to see if yours made the cut. View Article

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Kevin Corrigan from Rowan 38 likes

Cyanide and Happiness

Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 EST

More Cyanide and Happiness at Explosm.net View Article

	Written Wednesday, Dec 31 by Cyanide & Happiness 37 likes

CollegeHumor Channel: Homepage

Issue #80

This week's episode: "The Prague Heist!"

Priceline Hostage Negotiator

Academic research tip

The Real "Rock Band" Tour Bus

Cute College Girl: Tina

Parents Just Don't Understand: 10/7

Cyanide and Happiness

Excerpts From a Romance Novel I Wrote as a Child

Cute College Girl: Chelsea

Roommate Confessions: Issue 46

The Gemma Atkinson bikini calendar is going to make 2009 a very good year

Light As A Feather, Stiff As A Board

Drunk-O-Vision VI

Pop Culture CliffsNotes: Oct 3

Cute College Girl: Meredith

Honest Alumni E-Mail and Response

The Seven Types of Grandma

CollegeHumor Live: NYC - Craig Baldo

Pre-Debate Vice Presidential Desks

Cute College Girl: Hannah-Lee

The Weekly WYR: October 2nd

Would You Rather...

Cyanide and Happiness