Cute College Girls

A bit about Hanna...

What is the worst song in the world and why?

"Hello Goodbye" by the Jonas Brothers. Actually, most of their "songs" (see: caterwauling) are pretty awful. But no one. Rapes. A Beatles Song. John Lennon is turning in his grave so fast that he just augered himself down another six feet.

What dinosaur, fictional or real, was the best? Would make the best pet? Would be the tastiest?

Rex from the kids' movie We're Back. He made playing golf look cool without even trying. Kudos, Rex. Tastiest? I don't know, a pterodactyl? They could be our prehistoric answer to chicken wings and thighs. And eating one would be sweet payback for all the times my third-grade teacher yelled at me for forgetting the silent "p". I guess something that wouldn't rip my face off and eat it would probably make the best pet. If it could play golf and make it look cool at the same time, that would be even better.

What would be your favorite part about being a guy if you were one?

Three words: air guitar penis. I know that's pretty inappropriate, but I don't care. Because all of the ladies would lose their collective breath when they saw my mighty axe. And I would play "Black Dog" all the time and throw my head back, with my glorious golden mane whipping behind me in the wind. And they would call me "The Virgin Slayer." You know why.

When was the last time you spit?

I can't remember the last time I hocked a bona fide loogie. I feel like I'm overdue for one.

Funniest sex term:

Queef. I can't even think about the word without smiling. Seriously, it sounds like the name of something from He-Man and the Masters of the Universe. Orko's cousin, maybe? But I guess it's an actual medical term---I can't wait to hear a doctor use it. I was considering becoming a doctor just so I could say "What you experienced was a queef, Mrs. Johnson." But then I remembered that you actually have to know what you're doing in the medical field. Still, all those years of training would pay off when I finally got to say those glorious words to a Republican's wife.

Sex is cool, right? When was the last time "you got yours"?

I wish I knew that sex was cool from personal experience... but I don't! I'm simultaneously confused and saddened by the lack of booty on my end. I'm a bona fide v-card carrying member of the virgin club. It's because I haven't written the Great American Boob Novel, I think.

Pet peeve:

Conservative talk show hosts. Also, I hate it when handsome men don't climb into my pants. I think that's really rude on their part. I'm looking directly at you, Mr. Iglesias.

Which of your boobs do you like better?

That's hard to say. Tiberius and Fenrir are a mighty fine pair. I guess I favor Fenrir (my left sweater kitten). I'm right-handed, so I feel like I owe the left side of my body a favor. And my boobs are pretty small, relatively speaking. I'm often subject to a phenomenon known as Extreme Boob Envy (EBE), which is much more severe than Boob Envy (BE). I wish I could put a pencil in between my boobs and then write a novel using only my bosom, but I can't. I will never write the Great American Boob Novel. Sadness. GAWD I'm gonna be a virgin forever.

Why do girls use ellipsis (...) so often? Most of the time they don't even use them correctly and a comma (,) is really the punctuation they're looking for.

It's because they were too busy fixing their thongs in English class to pay attention. Really, why would anyone deliberately give themselves a wedgie? And why would anyone make a chair with a hole in the back so I had no choice but to bear horrified witness to their undergarment adjustments? AND WHY WON'T STEPHANIE MEYER STOP WRITING?

Most embarrassing song on your itunes:

"Bailamos" by Enrique Iglesias. I don't care what anyone else says. I wouldn't mind if we happened to be in the same room, on the same piece of furniture, without any clothes. Other people might poke fun at me, but I can comfortably say I wouldn't mind if he whispered sweet nadas in my orejas. (Warning: Spanglish alert! Adam Sandler not included.) He has yet to climb in my pants. But I'm confident it will happen. Soon, Mr. Iglesias. Soon.