So you're looking to "party down" with some marijuana, but you've never really done it before and it makes you nervous? Well don't worry! I'm not a great pot smoker either, but I've seen a million movies and tv shows about people slammin' the herb, so I've learned how to fit in perfectly with my fellow Harry "Pot"ers. Just memorize these five simple steps, and you'll be a regular Cheech and or Chong faster than you can say "hand me that doobarino!"

First off, real pot smokers don't call it "pot". If you say "pot" or "weed", everyone will know you're a Noob and instantly shame you. The only acceptable terms are:

For Example: "Whoa, that BANNANER looks like some real F*CKIN ASS SH*T." "It sure is, fellow smoke-man, wanna come over here and 'PARTY?' [WINK]??" When they wink at you, it means you are in.

It's always a shame when members of a tight-knit sisterhood like the University of Maryland's Delta Gamma chapter – designed to foster friendships, a sense of social responsibility, and the best qualities of character – threaten to "c*nt punt" each other.

But to be fair, most of those "f*cking retards" spent the entirety of their Sigma Nu Greek Week mixer "LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING." And how else is a member of their executive board supposed to react, if not to spew a batshit, hate-garbled stream of inane vitriol out to their entire chapter?

Let this be a lesson to any and all "asswipe[s]" or "weird shit[s] that do weird shit during the day." She WILL find you. And she WILL "F*CKING ASSAULT" you.

And yes, this is real.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f*cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F*CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING. If you're reading this right now and saying to yourself "But oh em gee [first name redacted], I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.

If there's one thing that people on the Internet love, it's porn. And if there's another thing, it's correcting other people. But can the two coexist? You might think that the sight of raw uncensored sex would appeal directly to people's animalistic instincts, overriding viewer's higher thinking, and preventing them from becoming insufferable pedants. And if you thought that, you would be completely wrong.

The following comments were all pulled from videos on YouPorn, which allows people to comment on videos, for some inexplicable reason.

1. From the Video "2 Cute Coeds Make One Guy Really Happy"

2. From the Video "Alot of Nakedness Alot of Fingering"

We at CollegeHumor don't often throw our ultra-respected name behind Political causes, but this WhiteHouse.gov petition to give the Declaration of Independence to Nicolas Cage is something we support wholeheartedly (click the petition below to read/sign/do your obvious civic duty):

Think about this:

1. Really, it's the least we can do after he saved like 47 American artifacts and monuments from Ed Harris or whatever.

2. The stupid paper's just sitting there anyway. Got a better idea of what do do with it?

Boom, settled. The people have spoken. The Cage-Ball's in your court, Obama.