6:00 AM – Wakes up in the Lincoln bedroom, stretches, looks himself in the mirror, and says “You got this, buddy.”

6:02 AM – Prays.

6:03 AM – Brushes his presidential teeth with presidential toothpaste. Flosses. Thinks about war.

6:05 AM – Plays with Bo.

6:07 AM – Plays with Joe Biden.

6:30 AM – Does some cardio in the White House gym. Then resistance training (low weight, high reps for toning). Remembers how much life he has the power to end at any given moment.

It’s no secret that a lot of folks out there are hurting. Yes, some due to hunting accidents. But mostly I’m referring to the economy. Families struggle daily to make ends meet, and while we’ve seen improvement, there’s still more work to be done.

Now, normally this is where I would urge you to cast a vote for me in November so that we don’t revert back to the dangerous and misguided economic policies that got us into this whole mess in the first place.

But there’s no need for that now, because I’ve invented a time machine.

Many of you are no doubt celebrating. With the ability to time travel, we can go back and cure diseases. End wars. See our loved ones who’ve since passed on. Fact-check Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor. Invent baseball.

Or, we could travel ahead. Prevent the next pandemic. Combat poverty. Witness our nation’s highways dominated by Segways. See if Scientology’s still going.

But we’re not doing any of that. Instead, we’re going back to 2008.