Are you American? Do you enjoy war? Do you hate Canadians? Are you allergic to shellfish? Then sign up today! Sign up for what, you ask? Read on!

We live in desperate times, people. What with all the 13-year olds having sex, wars against nouns, music artists making piss porn, and U.S. presidents driving their countries so far into the ground that the Earth's core convinces us all of global warming, what else is there to do besides fight back against Canadia?

"But Tyler, fight back? When did they attack us?" you might ask. "Fuck your couch!" I might scream back. Such malevolent things can be said, but I digress" we're getting away from the point that Canadia is stealing our Cancer!

That's right, citizens of the unjust! Canadia is stealing our Cancer! Well, not yet. But, scientists predict that within decades, Canadia will begin taking our Cancer and morphing it into their own Super Cancer! It happens in these three simple steps:

1. In the year 2028 AD, America's welfare money will officially run out, thus causing a global pandemic of multi-national nuclear proportions! Don't be afraid, it will only involve other countries, as we Americans will have our NMD (National Missile Defense, or Nigger Mass Death, as George W. refers to it). This mystical, magical Star Wars-esque "wonder bubble" will be held up by magical pixie dust and little Christian children's prayers, so have no fear! 2. The following year, America will also discover the cure for Cancer, AIDS, Super Cancer, Super Aids, and women who don't appreciate two women making out. Due to our lack of funding for everything except for the president's royal throne, we will not be able to afford enough security to keep out the Canadians. They will send spies, infants, tanks, turduckens, and McNargets (Canadian "super food") to steal our Cancer. 3. After Canadia steals our Cancer, we will raise the alert level from Red to Yellow to Rainbow (after Dick Cheney gets sentenced to an eternity in Hell by the satanic child-spawn of George W. Bush and Trent Lott, his lesbian daughter replaces him and decides our Terrorist Alert Level isn't sensitive to other genders). Seven minutes after this, we will declare World War III on Canadia" even though no other countries will be involved. 4. Upon immediate knowledge of this declaration, Canadia calls upon its 18 Mounties who quickly disperse of any and all American military troops entering the country. Little did we know that Mounties were actually Roman (or Greek, if you're a douche bag) gods in disguise, just waiting for an excuse to smite American idiocy.

Now that you know the truth, don't you feel better? Sign up for the American military corps today; the sooner you sign up, the sooner you get the honor of a Mountie-induced death!