Dear Ms. Spears,

I just finished speaking with your literary agent, and I am very excited to assist you with writing your tell-all! I’ve been a fan for many years and I keep up with you in the papers, so I sympathize with the way you’ve been treated by the media and your husband. As an experienced ghostwriter, I can tell you that we should have no problems developing your own “style” that will seem completely original.

It’s sometimes very important to have a professional around to guide things along and keep them clean and crisp. George Carlin decided to go it alone, and look at his awful excuse for a book! Seriously though, I think that you and I could create a wonderful and exciting book together. I’ll get started right away, since I have most of the resources at hand, then I’ll send you a rough draft of what I have. Feel free to make adjustments and suggestions at will, it’s your story!

Thank You,
David M. Gallagher



Dear Ms. Spears,

Just a short note to tell you that I just received your first edit of the manuscript today. I’ll be going over it with a fine-tooth comb very soon. I’m very curious to see what changes you have made!
Thanks,
DM Gallagher


Dear Ms. Spears,

I’m kind of at a loss of words right now. After having read your editorial suggestions, I find it hard to believe that this came from you. Perhaps you were in a hurry, but so far I’ve counted seventy-eight misspellings of “Britney”, and a sentence constructed entirely of the word "princess" written nine times. Also, one thing we should talk about is how many times you use the phrase "ya'll." I mean, you're not Tom Wolfe- LOL. Oh also, I looked into it, there is no font face that will dot an “i” with a heart or smiley-face. Sorry!

One more thing, I apologize but I refuse, owing to my ethics and personal beliefs, to call anyone a “doody-head” in publication. Especially Justin Timberlake, who, while small and lithe, is known for his propensity for drunken violence.

I will revise my first draft and send it along once completed. In the meantime, I suggest you peruse the following books: Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, the Modern Language Association’s Style Handbook, and possibly Where the Sidewalk Ends for an idea of how to properly construct childish poems.
Sincerely,
David Gallagher


Dear Ms. Spears,

I received your second edit of the manuscript today. If you have waited for very long for me to write this letter, I apologize. After spending hundreds of hours on each revision, and then having them sent back slashed and gouged with crayons and marked with symbols which I assume are words, I have taken to drowning my sorrows in alcohol. It had been twelve years since I had a drop, twelve long years, and in a day I was drunk again. This must be how Hemingway felt toward the end, desolate, alone, angry at the world. And now I'm comparing myself to Hemmingway, I must be drunk.

I thought for a moment that you were joking about Tom Wolfe. I thought surely they taught you literature in the swampy schools of Louisiana, but I must have been mistaken. Tom Wolfe has never in any way been associated with Star magazine. Or Sesame Street. To say that makes me, an author of far less literary prowess than he, want to crawl under something and die. This is the final revision of your book that I will write. Please do not force me to read another. My heart cannot take it.
D Gallagher



Dear Ms. Spears,

This is Harlan Adams, executor of Mr. Gallagher’s estate. As you know, Mr. Gallagher was in the midst of helping you with your tell-all book. Since there is no way he can finish the book now, you do not have to compensate him for the completed project. However, the hours he did bill you before his demise should be made payable to his wife, who is going to be raising David's three children.
Thank You and Good Day,
Harlan S. Adams, Esq.