Dear Guy Who Doesn't Flush the Toilet at the Library During Finals Week,
Hey, man. How's it goin'? Pretty Busy, huh? Probably got a ton of finals and, like, a "wicked" paper due tomorrow that you barely even started, huh? I understand that you're busy, but could you please do the male population of this library a huge favor and push down the little metal lever that is located at the top of the urinal? Actually, you can push it down, or up, or push it horizontally away from your person, or vice-versa. I recommend you try all of these methods until you find one you have become comfortable with. I understand where you're coming from, by the way, ever since I saw "Goonies" at the age of nine, I've been nervous about flushing a public toilet for fear that there are a scrappy bunch of rapscallions searching for pirate treasure beneath me, also, for fear of a "backfire". Trust me, you have nothing toworry about. Now, I'd like to address your diet. It appears that you are dangerously dehydrated. I recommend skipping that littleRed Bull can and getting a large bottle of water next time you're at the local camupus foods store. Trust me, your body will thank you. Also,of concern is your urine's pungent smell, you might want to see a doctor about that. It was so bad last night I couldn't even stand to be around it long enoughto flush after myself.
In conclusion, I hope that I have been able to persuade you to do us all a little favor and flush the GODDAMNED toilet after EACH use, you worthless PIECE. Thank you,