Dear whomever it may concern (but especially if you’re a Belmont),
For the past few millennia or so, I’ve been noticing a disturbing trend. You come into my castle unannounced (I should really get that drawbridge fixed though), and it’s not so much that you try to foil my evil plan and thus save the world from eternal damnation, but YOU KEEP BREAKING ALL OF MY CANDLES! Now, sending me into oblivion for centuries (or whenever the next sequel comes out) is fine and good, but those things are expensive. Now you may be thinking, “If you didn’t want me breaking them, then why would I put hearts and weapons in them?” Well, it’s the same reason that I sometimes put fully cooked turkey platters in my walls; I’m really bad at hosting company. I try to be this nice guy, and you just come in unannounced with your damn whip like you own the place, killing skeletons and what not. Those are my inlaws! I don’t like them either, but you have to be able to talk about your problems. Yet I digress, you are inconsiderate. In college I roomed with death, and at least he had the common courtesy of keeping our pentagrams clean. “But Dracula, why do you keep trying to destroy the earth?” You ask a lot of questions for someone who isn’t even writing this letter you know. Well, I keep trying to destroy earth because I’m Dracula. That’s my job. Sorry. The point is though, if you could just try and hunt down some other legendary monster (Frankenstein, Medusa, Gamera), it would be much appreciated. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to watch the new Buffy. WHAT?!? This means WAR!!!!

P.S.- That whip is totally gay. So was Castlevania 64.