Ah, the summer. The weather is great, school is out, and the scenery gets much, much better when those winter jackets come off. There is one problem though, going back home means that your party life is going to decrease exponentially, unless you count three of your friends staying up until four in the morning playing Wii and drinking liquor you stole from your parents a good party. That may sound like fun and games, but you’re forgetting the most important aspect of the college life: Girls.

You see, unless you’re going to try out your game on jail bait or your female friends back home, you’re in quite the pickle. But I’ve found a sure fire way to not only get a girl, but to use your friends as well. It’s simple, call your best friend’s ex-girlfriend. Here are some tips on bagging some sloppy seconds:

  • Make sure they’ve broken up. This may sound simple, but trust me, just because she’s removed her “Relationship Status” from her Facebook, doesn’t mean that they’ve broken up. You could get your ass kicked for this. A passive drunk dial may do the trick:

-Hey, Kristen, oh man, I haven’t talked to you in forEVER!

-What’s up, Thomas? Yeah, it’s been a while.

-No, seriously… I’m so trashed right now. Hey, you still dating Adam?

-No, we broke up like four weeks ago.

-Sweet… I’ll be home in a few weeks if you want to bone or whatever.

-Alright, sounds like a date.


  • Don’t let your friend find out. Ever. I mean, unless he’s a huge douche, and therefore not your friend in the first place, why tell him? If this means threatening letters or breaking the broad’s jaw, so be it. Bros before hos, man. I doubt you can risk losing a friend, anyways, because if you’re resorting to this, you probably didn’t have many friends to begin with.

  • Avoid crowded placed if you’re hanging out with her. This is a precaution for keeping your sexual excursion on the down low. Stay away from malls, parks and swinger clubs. Especially swinger clubs. A year is a long time, you don’t know what kind of a sexual deviant your friend has become. I hear he got into S&M second semester.

If you keep those three rules in your mind, you’ll be set for the hard part: Coercing her into sex.

First off, the formula:

Pretty simple, right? There are also a few outside variables that can help you out in your quest for vagina.

Probably the best way to get some is to side with her concerning the break-up. Tell her that her ex is an asshole and that she deserved better anyways. It probably won’t hurt to dish out some dirt about him, too. Go on, tell her what he did with his dog junior year of high school. You know you want to. Don’t linger on it though, you don’t want her focused on him all night, let alone bestiality. Tonight is about you. You and Long John Silver. On second thought, scratch that, you’re more of a Short John Silver.

Well, as long as you’re siding with her, you’ll probably be in good shape as long as you’ve done your Facebook research, like any good person does. I mean, the worst that can happen is you being denied, going home and giving yourself a stranger, right? That and her telling everyone you have a small dick. You can’t win them all.