Welcome to college! Also known as the best years of your life, your time here at whatever second-rate college you selected will permanently shape you as a person in ways you can't yet imagine. Seriously, I've met guys in their 40's who still haven't worked off their beer guts. As such, you should do everything you can to make the most of your time here. First and foremost, quit being that loser you were in high school. You know, the one girls never slept with and guys pushed into lockers. Man you sucked. But those days are behind you now and it's time for you to become a different (better) person!
"But who", you ask. "Who can I become?"
Might I humbly suggest becoming the king of your dorm? Good. Become the king of your dorm! Kings are super popular and have tons of fun. Don't you want to be have lots of friends and an ample supply of good times? Of course you do. But how do you become Dorm King, you ask? That's what this whole article is about didn't you read the title? I thought you said you were going to stop being such a loser.
Before we go any further and lose the female members of the audience, I should mention that CollegeHumor is an equal opportunity informer. This guide can also be used by you ladies if you make these simple substitutions. Whenever you see "king", replace it with "queen". Replace "penis" with "vagina", "hot babes" with "dreamy dudes", "Pantera" with "Maroon 5", and "a box of Kleenex and your right hand" with "tickle-stick and AA battery". It's just that easy!
So, how do you become the king of your dorm? Simple. Kings really only have three important features, so if you make these three characteristics a part of yourself then, logically, you'll be a king too.
Kings have lots of sex.
This one is obvious (and a little messy if it's done right). If you're going to become king, you need to start conquering the ladies in your king-dorm. Nobody's going to accept your rule as legitimate if you can't even nail the fatty at the end of the hall. Fortunately, you have a secret weapon: malt liquor. Pound some back and start pounding her from the back. If you're lucky, she'll protect your reputation by not mentioning how she held you as you cried afterward. Kings never cry. Just like kings never wear condoms. Ever. Did you learn nothing from the king of your high school who dropped out to marry that cheerleader he knocked up? If only we could all be lucky enough to wind up as Assistant Weekend Manager at our hometown's Wal-Mart McDonalds.
Kings have lots of minions.
Sure, your mom and the Christian fellowship club did your bidding while you were in high school, but this is college. Who will you get to do your dirty work here? That's the beauty of dorm-life. Just leave this niche open and the existing social currents will fill it for you. Once the less popular guys in your dorm see they can gain some influence by helping you out, they'll scratch and claw each other to get to your room to pick the dirty laundry, vomit and rotting food up off your floor.
However, this might take some time, as these guys aren't exactly bright. If they were they'd be pulling the same strategy on you. So, in light of this, just let them know the opportunity is always there by letting the mess pile up. A bonus of this strategy is that girls will be attracted to you for it. It shows you can commit to a messy situation and are therefore potential husband material.
Kings wear lots of furs and jewels and robes and stuff.
Of the three strategies for kinging it up, this is the least obvious and the most challenging. Robes are the easy part. As a college freshman, you should never be out of a robe anyway, so that's one aspect covered. But where are you going to get jewels and furs? This is the hard part. If you attend a state university in the mid-West, skinning road-kill is an obvious option (and, like sex, a messy one). But we can do better than that if we think outside the box.
Why do kings wear all that crap anyway? It's obviously to set them apart from the commoners, toiling in the fields all day (or, as it were, in your dorm room). So, if you want to make yourself stand out, just wear the modern equivalents of these ancient customs. For instance, instead of wearing jewels, wear white "bone" necklaces. Instead of wearing furs, wear striped polo shirts. If you really want to be original, you could "pop" the collar on these garments, much like a male peacock spreads his brightly coloured tail-feathers to attract mates.
However, you may want to refrain from imitating this example, as these creatures did not get the name peacock for nothing. And I'm not talking about the birds.