Let's just get right to it. I'm sick of this bullshit.


1. Jordin – Wishing on a Star
I'm not in love with Jordin's hair tonight, but Simon chose this song (and, I assume, her wardrobe), and she does a good job with it, I guess. I don't know it at all. It sounded good. Then again, everything better sound good at this point. Randy really liked it, so I guess it must have been good, and Paula's hair is so fancy tonight! Simon was all, "Meh. The arrangement was too jazzy. And upbeat. And I got a haircut and it looks sort of dumb."

2. Blake – Roxanne
Not as good as the Moulin Rouge version, which isn't saying much, because that version is possibly the best recording of any song ever in the universe. The positive points: Blake sounds not unlike Sting anyway, which is good, I guess. However, he can't do the gravelly "ROXANNE!!!!" thing that I so admire in the Moulin Rouge version, and he's decided to wear a sweater vest again, which, I mean, is fine, but really Blake? Are you secretly 68?


3. Melinda – I Believe in You and Me
Why, Randy? Why Whitney Houston? And why, if you must Whitney her, not "I Wanna Dance with Somebody"? I love that song. Oh well. They loved it anyway, obviously, even if the whole time I was singing every other of Whitney's songs in my head. Melinda's really talented, we get it, blah blah blah. I'm tired of feeling inadequate. I feel like if I were singing a song with her and there were two sets of vocals on the recording, but sometimes there was only one, Melinda would be like, "That's where I was carrying you," and I'd be like, "Thanks a lot, jerkface. I can sing for myself." Then I'd hug her, because seriously, she's so cute. I can't stay mad at that dress.

4. Jordin – She Works Hard for the Money

Ha ha. Aw. Jordin loves Hanson. So does Ryan. He "has the CD in [his] car." Of course he does. I like how Jordin justifies her "favorite song" choice with, "What? I'm 17." Like, honey, when that song was popular, you were… 8? I'm guessing. I'm only four years older than she is, I guess, but that's an eternity in music years. Also I'm pretty glad that the producers picked a song that has recently been featured in McDonald's commercials. (I think. It may have been Burger King or even Subway. I don't really pay attention to TV. I'm positive it was fast food. Or possibly computers. Something.) Ugh… this isn't excellent. I mean, it's awesome for a Hanson fan, don't get me wrong (also I secretly love "Mmmbop" too. It really is catchy as hell), but I think Jordin may be going home. Depending on how much Blake sucks. Hmm… the judges all really liked it. Maybe I'm too drunk to be critiquing people right now…. Nah.

5. Blake – This Love
Ooh a Blake movie! Jim Carey?!?!?!? The fuck?! Robin Williams or Ben MacKenzie, you stupid fuck! I'm pretty sure that if The OC were still on, it would gladly feature your version of this song in the soundtrack! Damnit I miss The OC. They're always looking for the newest music in the world. Not kidding, one episode this season (during Kaitlyn's tennis lesson with Spencer, the guy who ended up being the head gigolo in Julie's male prostitution ring) had a cover of "Float On." My roommate was like, "Is this… is this a cover of 'Float On'?" And I was like, "Stiles, we're listening to the newest music in the world right now." Also Blake did a good job. It's pretty hard not to improve upon Maroon 5, though.

6. Melinda – Nutbush City Limits
Melinda's idol is her mommy. That's pretty cute. My mommy would be my idol, if she weren't the single loudest and most immature person ever. Speaking of being immature, am I 8 1/2 or is the title of this song hilarious? Nutbush? For real? I don't even know how good of a job Melinda did because my inane giggling was drowning out her singing the whole time. The judges seemed to like it. I figure they know best… ish.

7. Jordin – I Who Have Nothing
She did a really good job on this song the first time, so I understand why she chose it again. But why didn't she sing "Mmmbop"? I guess they had to pick a song they already sang, but she did a lot better the first time. She also looked a lot prettier the first time. Curly hair = not super sexy long hair = not causing me to think she's the prettiest girl in the world. Which I guess might not be her objective every time she takes the stage, but it wouldn't hurt. Also I sort of take back what I said earlier. She's sort of kicking ass. I remember the first time being more rawly emotional, but I dunno. I've never written this article in real time before, and it's sort of weird. I just didn't feel like taking notes. But enough about me… JORDIN RULES!!!!11!!!! spirit fingers!

8. Blake – When I Get You Alone
Oh swizzle, yo! Blake is beat boxing to "Baby Got Back"! That was some kind of "quick jam"! Since "jams" characteristically involve pre-written songs. I love the way Blake dances. It's so weird and fluid and asexual. Okay, so this song has basically convinced me that Blake needs to cut a record stat. It will be pretty cool. Hopefully it comes with a free disco ball. I mean, I wouldn't buy the album or anything. I'd probably download like half of the songs illegally, and then my friends and I would make fun of the Blake Lewis craze among 12-year-old girls, which would be especially biting because like half of my friends are gay, and if there's one thing they know how to do, it's make scathing remarks about popular culture.

9. Melinda – I'm a Woman
She should have done "My Funny Valentine" again. Yeah, I said it. That was the greatest thing ever. I guess this song shows her "sassy" side, but didn't the Turner collaboration also do that? Like Jordin's performance, I can't help but remember this with more fondness than I'm feeling towards it now. Her pantsuit, however, is D-I-V-I-N-E (get it? because she was spelling out "woman"? Whatever, I give up).

Our Father […] deliver us from Idol. Amen.