Hey College Humor readers, after taking a summer off of being that guy in your lives I'm ready to be involved again. Hey, it's not all my fault, you never called either. Anyway, I was thinking about how I could be close to all of you in college and then it dawned on me: Every campus has a Quad, I'll just be that guy out on your Quad this semester! If you don't recognize me by my picture, you can find me by these actions"
1) I'm smoking out of a hookah. That's right, I'm the guy that REALLY idolized the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland too much as a child. Let me tell you what really pisses me off, though: People act like I'm doing this for attention! I mean, what part of hauling this whole damn contraption and ingredients from the convenience of my own place to the most heavily trafficked area on campus sounds like I'm doing it for attention?!? Oh, all of it? Whatever.
2) For some reason, I'm taking my pet snake for a walk.What? It's not cool to walk around with a fucking snake on your arm? I'm by myself, isn't that any better (and by "better" I mean "creepier")? I have a little secret, I'm actually carrying this around for attention, preferably from a female. I thought that after the grassroots success of "Snakes on a Plane", I might have the chance of having grassroots sex with a Goth chick. Oh, you mean carrying around something that repulses females is the wrong way to pick them up? Whew, I'm glad you told me that before I wore my "Body Fluid Tie-Dye".
3) I have a flyer for you.That's right, I care so much about [insert stupid fucking cause here] that I assume that everyone on campus will be interested in reading a small piece of paper that vaguely explains my interest. Surprisingly, college kids care more about drinking and sex than whatever is on my flyer. At this point, I'd just appreciate some eye contact. Hey, I see you, fucker, acting like you're changing your iPod song/looking at cell phone! Acknowledge me!! If you see me, you'll be sure to see my twin brother: "Dude Who Writes Shit in Chalk on the Quad that No One Cares About".
4) I'm not wearing a shirt.This is sooooo classic me. It really doesn't matter what I'm doing: playing Frisbee, tossing the ole pigskin, playing my acoustic guitar, throwing a baseball, playing bags, or simply laying in the grass. All of these activities are exponentially more fun when nude from the waist up. I mean, I don't spend all that time at the REC not to reap the benefits on the Quad. And with fall set in, the next opportunity to show off my abs isn't until next year's Spring Break!!! I think we all know that I can't wait for that! Oh yeah, if you can't spot me as an individual, look for me in a pack of other shirtless dudes. No, of course it's not a gay thing.
5) I'm doing Tai Chi.Yes, because nothing screams "ancient Chinese martial art based in the principles of Taoism from sixth century B.C." than a bunch of assholes playing 500 with their shirts off. Damn, even I sometimes wonder why I would choose to do Tai Chi on the Quad. Certainly not for the attention, certainly.
There you have it CH readers. I've been gone for a whole summer, but you can find me right now on your local Quad. And when you do, greet me with a swift punch to the throat. You know how much I like that.
Check out clips of Johnny and his comedy group's stand-up on their MySpace page here,@@link:0@@