Situation: Epidemic.

Locale: Digital cameras across the United States.

Victims: Anyone. And everyone.

Here's a hypothetical situation for you: someone puts up a new photo album, says it's full of the craziest, funniest pictures in the history of college. You've got a busy night ahead of you, but somehow you tear yourself away from the Knight Rider reruns on TV, x-out of ebaumsworld.com and put down the bag of Baked Cheetos (they're totally healthy and stuff…cause they're baked). You prepare yourself for photographic brilliance…certain that you will discover portals into the human soul that will make you weep tears of joy…only to find that you're…DEAD FUCKING WRONG.You've been "fish-lipped".

I have no idea why this phenomenon occurs. Especially in such great numbers in the 16-25 age demographic. But somewhere along the line, probably when someone at VH1 decided it was a good idea to greenlight "I Love New York", we as a nation lost our way. Everyone knows what I am talking about. Fish faces, gang signs (usually accompanied by a badass/cross eyed look, the shocker (always a family favorite), holding up that bottle so EVERYONE KNOWS YOU'RE A FUCKIN ALCOHOLIC WOOHOO!!!, stuck out tongues…the list is short, yet like the wily Hispanic these asinine symbols have wormed their way into every nook and cranny of the picture-taking community.

There is no fucking need to make fish-lips in every other picture. Nor is it necessary to throw up a halfassed gang sign with an old Tar Heels hat cocked slightly to the left. Dane Cook would smile to see a slightly drunk 19 year old girl proudly displaying the shocker with her "three crazzziest gurlies", but then again Cook has been travelling the slow and steady path to faggotry for the last 4 years.When did it become necessary to ruin every picture with a "wacky" face or gesture? I don't think I'm remiss in saying that this is a more serious problem than AIDS, because AIDS only affects monkeys and queers, but this fishlipitis strikes 80% of pictures worldwide. I personally displayed some of the earliest symptoms of this disease, but I am a survivor. With proper technique recovery is necessary. 1) Stop looking like a tool. 2) Put down the Squirt 2-liter and the water bottle of UV blue, it's just making everyone uncomfortable. 3) There's no need to throw up a tangled "west side" with pinkies and index fingers and thumbs twisted everywhere like a damn pretzel. Remember that you are not, in fact, Jay-Z. And even if you were, you'd be an untalented bitch who does not deserve to endorse Budweiser, and has based an entire career on making up words that end in -izzo. And that's no way to live.

So for the sake of our children, and our children's children, stop taking these stupid fucking pictures. If you want to look like you have Down's, watch Peyton Manning do a Sprint commercial and copy that. There's no reason to make the pictures suffer because of your inability to control some dipshit-reflex whenever you see a flash. And that's a spicy meat-a-ball. Selah.