I got a lot of e-mails in response to my masturbation article last week. Okay, I got a lot of angry e-mails in response to my article last week. It seems some of you think that if I let women know it's National Masturbation Month and/or try to convince a couple girls to masturbate at a bar, it will ruin your chances of getting "quality booty." Since I don't have time to respond to everyone individually, this week I'm responding to you all at once, via Erik. Thanks Erik!
Erik <XXXXXXX@yahoo.com> to email@example.com date May 13, 2007 5:13 AM subject collegehumor/masturbation i read your collegehumor article about convincing those girls to masturbate.thats not cool, its bullsh*t, that means 2 less dudes got ass that night."why should i when i can get someone else to do it for me?" that someone else could end up being me! thats bullsh*t! Dear Erik/You, if you wrote me,You're right. What was I thinking?! A woman masturbating is so "not cool." A woman should always depend on a man to do things for her: like balance the household budget, lift heavy objects, and bring her to orgasm. Is there room for female self-lovin' whores in a world full of horny heterosexual men? No! So ladies, the next time you feel like staying home, pigging out, watching a movie, and then pleasuring yourself until you reach a blissful state of exhaustion, go out to the bar instead. Go out to the bar and give some dude the ass he deserves! Masburating is bullshit. Come on Erik/You, if you wrote me! I know it's hard to believe, but women have been masturbating for millions of years now while still having enough time and energy left over to give dudes ass. We can do both. We rock at multitasking. So please don't use female masturbation as a scapegoat for your going home alone from a bar. That's "not cool." Good luck with all your future endeavors.Love,MindyThere. I hope that helps. I'm so sorry, I had no idea there were so many guys out there who blame their lack of action on female masturbation. Now that I know though, I can't help picturing this conversation happening at bars.* Dude 1: Dude, that's the girl who wouldn't fuck me last weekend.Dude 2: She's probably a masturbator.Dude1: Yeah! That's why she wouldn't. Stupid masturbation. Dude 2: What about the blonde? Anything?Dude 1: She went back to sit with her friends. Didn't even take my number.Dude 2: Must be a masturbator too.Dude1: Big one!
Then I thought maybe if I were a guy who wrote an article about whacking off I would get lots of angry letters from females who blame their sexual frustrations on the kinds of men who are comfortable enough with their own bodies to whack off.
Girl 1: So he never called?Girl 2: No.Girl 1: How long has it been?Girl 2: A little over a week.Girl 1: It's not you sweetie, it's him. He's one of those masturbators.Girl 2: Ugh, that's bullshit! One less woman getting ass.Girl 1: I know. It's so not cool.
Okay no, probably not.em>Mindy apologizes if that's not exactly how dudes talk. She did musical theatre in college and fraternized with boys who wore colorful scarves and had less body fat than her.