We're in the ginormous Kodak Theater, watching old footage of Jordin and Blake from the Seattle auditions and onward with the approximately 450,000,000 people who fill the venue tonight. I am reminded, during this montage down Memory Lane, just how stupid looking Blake's hair used to be: really, really stupid looking. Thank God he got on this show, if only to fix that 4-foot frosted party hat that used to live on top of his head. Speaking of things that are stupid: Randy's Michael-Jackson-cum-Jacob-Marley jacket, Paula's frizzy hair, and the fact that Paula "tripped over her dog, Tulip" and hurt herself. 1. Blake "You Give Love a Bad Name"Wow. Blake learned how to sing higher notes without leaning his head back. Awesome. Additionally: Blake's dad looks like he'd be the recovering alcoholic assistant basketball coach for some team in a mid-western state. He seems like the kind of guy who spends all day on an old recliner on his front porch, wearing a stained wife beater and his boxers, watching reruns of Step By Step on a 10" black and white TV and drinking a 40 and laughing about how goofy Cody is. Good people, in other words. Paula's score for Blake: "10 + 10 + 10 + 10" So
40. I'm not sure why they're even critiquing these kids anymore, really. People are just going to vote. And hopefully Blake won't win so he can do his own awesome non-solo album and have awesome productions on his tour and continue to rock my socks off. Were I wearing any. Which I happen to not be
ANYMORE.2. Jordin "Fighter"Man, but that's a lot of words all at once. I would really like Jordin's shirt if it didn't have that retarded dip-dyed thing going on. Just black would have been fine. Who designs these clothes, and why don't they design them more to my tastes? Idiots. 3. Blake "She Will Be Loved"I take back what I said about him not tilting his head back. Oh well. I swear to God, Blake looks just like a gay, preppy Ryan Atwood. I assume, also, that if Ryan had been gay and preppy, instead of punching people all the time, he would have dressed in argyle sweaters and sung Maroon 5. He also wouldn't have ever put up with any of Oliver's shit. Damnit, why did the OC have to go off the air? I hate my life.
4. Jordin "A Broken Wing"Jordin's mom is a fucking retard. What kid can't talk at 18 months old? A retarded one, that's what. Parents with an IQ of 14 notwithstanding, Jordin is so much better suited to this championship than Blake. She's got that whole "big voice, sentimental songs, pretty, old people will really like her as well as young people" thing that so many of the other winners have shared. Except for last season. And the season when Reuben won. But still. Blake is from too far into the future to win this and not be stifled by the responsibilities of being the American Idol. Jordin would do well. She's still a kid. And I'm fairly certain that we've been led to believe that she's from each and every one of our next doors.5. Blake "This is My Now"This song is laaaaaame. And it really highlights the fact that Blake isn't very good at singing at all. Also would you feel like such an L7 weenie if you and your bff won the American Idol songwriting competition? I guess they're from Seattle, though, so it was either this or suicide. This is probably a little bit healthier. I really really really want Blake to produce an album that is nothing more than covers of The Cure and The Police songs. Simon is all, "This song sucks. Disregard it, everyone." Blake's vest is super sparkly. That's pretty gay.