Dear Mom and Dad,

First of all, sorry I didn't make it to graduation. I guess I sort of got cold feet and decided it was best to just jet to Europe. Secondly, I'm really sorry about not telling you. Equally sorry about the search party you sent out to look for me, and all the money you spent putting up fliers and sending out that blimp with my picture on it and a hotline to call with any tips. Gotta admit, I saw that on the news and thought it was pretty hysterical. Must've really set you back. God knows you guys are hurting for money enough as it is, ever since dad got laid off. Seriously dad, pretty dick to get fired when you know I have student loans to pay off.

I want you to know that even though I gave up that job at the hedgefund I am putting my degree to good use. Remember that minor in Event Planning that you guys just laughed off? Well, yours truly just planned a pretty successful pub crawl from Madrid all the way to Salamanca. Yeah, I'm pretty much the man here. Which reminds me, the ladies think I'm the American prince. But royalty gotta have that paper to spend on the honeys, you know what I'm saying dad? Oh wait, I forgot. You hate money. That's why you got fired. Just kidding. But seriously, mom, what are you still doing with this guy?

Anyway, I feel like I'm really discovering myself out here. Last night when I was macking this chick at El Capital I felt like my soul crept out of my body and danced around the room, searching…longing for something. You like that shit? Intro to Poetry. I got tons of that stuff I've been writing on mountains and shit, while I hike through aquaducts and whatever.

Also, don't be alarmed if you see some unknown withdrawals from your account. I was in a pinch in Amsterdam and needed to pay for some uh…doritos. A few hundred dollars worth of Doritos. It might say Hash on the receipt but that's a mixup. Just ignore it.

P.S. The food sucks here. Send me Skittles.

Your beloved son,
Stevey Douchetronowitz