Good afternoon brothers, sisters, and fellow Iraqis around the world.
Last week, the 30-year reign of terror, genocide, and persecution faced by our great nation was ended as Saddam Hussein, former President of Iraq and dictator to millions, was executed.
Despite his well-publicized tribunal and recorded hanging, a number of disturbing theories have formed regarding the manner of Mr. Hussein's punishment. In an effort to protect Iraq's reputation as a fair and enlightened new democracy, I wish to address these rumors here today.
Contrary to popular opinion, Mr. Hussein was executed by hanging. The tribunal did not "barbeque his head." Needless to say, this would be the heinous act of an uncivilized people. Despite the audacity and horror of the crimes perpetrated by Mr. Hussein, we would never lower ourselves to such torture.
There has also been a great deal of speculation as to the whereabouts of the deceased's body. For security reasons, we cannot disclose the precise location of Mr. Hussein's remains. However, I wish to quell the ongoing rumor that we "flushed it down the potty." To do so would exhibit gross disrespect for the dead and his loved ones and, I would imagine, break no less than half a dozen Islamic burial laws. And on a more practical note, I find it difficult to imagine a toilet in Baghdad large enough to flush an entire human corpse. Because we did not flush them down the potty, we can neither confirm nor deny the reports that Mr. Hussien's remains went round and round.
So, with these ugly rumors laid to rest, let this be a day of closure, and of somber celebration of the end of a tyrant who murdered his citizens, invaded lands and, in all probability, totally had cooties.