Length of episode: 2 hours
What happened: a lot of stuff
Who showed up: the Top 12, the judges, Ryan Seacrest, Tony Bennett, Joe Perry, Taylor Hicks, Kelly Clarkston, Carrie Underwood, Smokey Robinson, Gladys Knight, some other black people who sang with Melinda, Doug E. Fresh, that girl who cries every time she thinks about Sanjaya, the African Children's Choir, some whiny bitches who sang about Darfur, Reuben Studdard, Margaret Fowler, that one guy who yells when he sings, the bush baby kid and his sidekick Baby Beluga, Bette Midler
Who phoned it in: Gwen Stefani, Darfur refugees
Things that were awesome: Joe Perry's guitar
Things that were awkward: Blake's entire performance with Doug E. Fresh, specifically 1) Blake's whiteness and 2) his total botch of the handshake at the end
Things that were not awkward at all: Simon and Ryan's mutual affection, how much I want to hang out with Bette Midler, how much I wanted the Happy Hands Club to perform while Bette Midler was performing
Things that make me feel extra racist: (besides not knowing any of the black people's names) the fact that, if not for their costumes, I would have had no idea which gender each member of the African Children's Choir was
Things I am legitimately excited about: the fact that the fat black guy from Hustle & Flow is going to be in a show about New Orleans "after the storm." I assume that will involve a whole bunch of him being like, "Why the fuck aren't any of the fast food places open past 10 pm?" I won't really watch the show, of course, but Hustle & Flow marks one half of the total number of landmark motion pictures of 2005 in which Terrance Howard punched Ludacris in the face, so it's clearly awesome.
People I had to hear sing Beatles songs: Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkston, Taylor Hicks, Reuben Studdard, the entire Top 12
People I like to hear sing Beatles songs: The Beatles and MAYBE Fiona Apple
Who won: Jordin. Obviously. I called that like two months ago.
Things that were not a complete and utter waste of my time: Joe Perry's guitar. That's it.
What an anticlimactic finale this was. And now the phrase I've been waiting three months to type: Marino out!