So as about 10 of you know, the Roland Garros tennis competion French Open thing is going on right now. As long as I can remember my dearsweet mommy has watched those crazy fuckers knock fuzzy round objects back and forth over a reject fishing net while refusing to count points like competent human beings. And as long as I can remember, I too havewatched out of sheer amazement. Then I got to thinking, why the hell do Ipay attention tothis redundant sport that keeps repeating itself? After a few pancakes and quick trip to stareat my bass, a few blatantly obvious reasons back handed me in the face.





  1. Amazon Death Screams—To this day I have never watched a tennis match without screaming back at the over-excited players and/or line judges. It seems every three vollies everyone on the court hatches the insane idea to start grunting, moaning, and screaming like howler monkeys in heat. Granted during the womens' matches it's a bit of a turn on.
  2. Redundancy— I'm blessed with the simple gift of being easily amused, so watching the crowd look left and right three thousand times reminds me of a couple of strung out lemmings slowly saying "no" to a crack dealer in a clown suitand I smile. Don't ask.
  3. Moments like this.
  4. Maria Sharapova, need I say more.
  5. This woman is a man and I am working around the clock to prove it.
  6. Clay courts are like slip and slides of doom. You finally get up enough speed to make it to the shot and despite vigorously applying gorilla glue earlier that day you somehow manage to slide halfway down the baseline.
  7. I've always wanted to see one of the ball kids get nailed in the head and have to run the other way like all those cartoons taught me.
  8. Finally, if in the event WWIII broke out I vote we stand behind Venus Williams, because dear sweet mother of all things holy how does she not instil primal fear into your very bones?






Thus this timeless sport reverberates around the world, bringing joy to all those who likeserving up a wicked ace on youropponent's bitch ass. Why no men's tennis you ask? Because everything saidabove alreadyapplies and I'd rather play raquetball. Blue balls ftw.