Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Charles Dickens Answers a Question On 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?'
June 6, 2007
Meredith Vieira: Okay, first question for $100, Mr. Dickens. What common household pet is known for making a "meow" sound? Is it A.) Dog, B.) Cat, C.) Fish or D.) Zebra?
Dickens: Ah yes, a very good question to originate our proceedings. I shalt look forward with much gusto in my articulations regarding the answer that I will hastily provide in so manner as to satisfy both my esteemed and lovely hostess while also entertaining these fine guests who hath joined us here for this lovely and quite possibly lucrative affair.
By Jove, I do swear upon the grave of my wonderful mother whom I remember having fallen ill only a fortnight and one year past and eventually passing by the hand of that vile demon Whooping Cough on the fifteenth of May in the Year of Our Lord 2006, that I hath never seen such a fearsome display of both gadgetry and refulgent technological wizardry as beheld in this studio. Upon my word Madam, I do sit here aghast to the point that words escape me at the present moment. Even though the aged and wizened will regale youth with the truth that at times it is better to sit quietly and listen, my failure to pronounce a verdict upon your inquiry due to my momentary periodic shock to the senses shall not help us here for the duration of my stay. At this very moment I am as David was when that puerile lad faced the human monstrosity known as Goliath. A terrible fellow he was in his day! Much thanks do I give the good Lord who helped David smite that pagan Philistine down in his tracks as thunder doth crack from the heavens. By Jove!
Meredith Vieira: Do you have an answer Mr. Dickens?
Dickens: An answer, indeed my lady whose eyes do shine like the torch held aloft in the crisp night air by the Statue of Liberty. I hath all but forgotten in the
outpouring of my mental deliberation the salient cause at hand. I humbly beg the forgiveness of my hostess in the absence of my reason and good manners. I make a firm vow before you, these revered guests in the audience, and in the presence of the Archangel Michael himself that I shalt deliver a satisfactory response to your prior scrutiny. This vow I do keep bound tight to my heart, nestled betwixt my bosom.
:::Mild chuckles in the audience:::
Dickens: I do say, I fear there are those among the good persons seated around me that do not fully conceptualize the dire and momentous arrangement of my promise to the good hostess whose hair doth remind me of sweet cinnamon, and hath offended all with proper senses by engaging in a laughing fit. I say, who were the young rascals responsible for such a depraved and licentious ejaculation?
:::Bursts of laughter from the audience:::
Dickens: By the Good Lord and all that sits high above our mortal forms, I hath never encountered such a salacious spasm of sacrilege, and in the presence of a fine lady who surely does resemble Gabriel in purity and lightness. Madam, I shall trouble ye no further and announce my answer to your most recent examination. You asked what pet doth make a "meow" sound. Why, it is a pussy, of course. A warm, fuzzy pussy doth certainly "meow" when stroked with nimble fingers and a tender palm.
:::Laughter explodes from the audience:::
Dickens: I do say, more merriment in the wake of the climax of my vow. By Jove! I shall have no more of this barbaric intrusion and seek redress in the dressing room. Farewell my most kind and forgiving host. I shall have no more of this impertinent hullabaloo!
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