There’s nothing sexier than an animated woman. No, not the intense woman who screams at you during a game of charades and then classifies herself as just being “animated.” I hate those women. I’m talking about the literal animated woman. There’s nothing that gets my panties in a bushel quite like Betty Boop’s legs or the sea-shelled bra Ariel wears. I’m looking for my own real life cartoon woman to proudly bring home to Mom. Call me sick, call me twisted, but I call myself old fashioned as I carefully analyze some of today’s hottest animated women to determine what type of person they would be if they were more than 2-D…

Erin Esurance-

Erin Esurance is that hot auto insurance representative for If Erin existed as a human being, she would be a prostitute. She may look hot in the commercials as she jumps around, kicking bad guy ass, but that’s only because we’re watching her on TV. If I drove into an alley and saw a pink-haired, pleather-wearing women start to jump off walls and kick the crap out of these men from the commercials, you better believe I’d be out of there quicker than you can say “Quote. Buy. Print.” And my first reaction wouldn’t be “Hey, she’s probably selling auto insurance,” but rather “What customer’s dick did she bite off?” Then there’s Erin’s colleague, Erik. He’s the guy who occasionally kisses Erin, but plays no central role in Erin’s schemes. Perhaps because he’s her pimp, collecting and managing all the money Erin ‘saves’ while on her business adventures. He doesn’t have the abusive nature like most pimps do, however he does spell his name with a ‘K.’ And if pimps weren’t notorious for spelling simple names like ‘Tom’ of ‘Jim’ with a variety of letter, numbers, and hieroglyphics, I might think otherwise. So let’s continue interacting with Erin only in our dreams— we can’t obtain her STDs that way…

Green M&M-

Green M&M is so freakin’ hot. Thank God she’s not human. Not because I would then be immensely attracted to a sugar-coated piece of chocolate, but because of the natural loss of appeal that would ensue. She’s awkwardly shaped. Her round chocolate body sits disproportion on her skinny legs. Not to mention she’s like 3 feet tall. In the real world we call this person a “fat ass.” Dating her would only make you fat too. Every time you kiss her you intake 100+ calories. Kissing chocolate would be nice, but I don’t know if Green M&M is worth the high blood pressure and heart attack at age 23. It would be such a hassle during summer days too. You would need to bring a cooler just to sit at a baseball game. You couldn’t order peanuts either. Where are you going to crack them? You throw them on the floor and you risk Green M&M turning into Yellow M&M. And the day I make love to Yellow M&M is the day I sue the Mars company for all they’re worth. Oh wait, did I mention, Green M&M was only born in 1997. We’ll be on MSNBC’s To Catch a Predator before we know it. I can picture it now: Chris Hansen emerges from a back room and asks us what we intended to do with a 10-year old. We’ll all lie and say, “Nothing. I was just looking for a friend to talk to.” Hansen will then pull out our online conversation with Green M&M and say, “So you didn’t say, ‘Mmmm, I can’t wait to melt in both your mouth and your hand’?” To which all of us will start sobbing and say, “I had no idea she was 10! She looks so much older in the advertisements! Please don’t arrest me!” It’s never worth going to jail over a girl, especially a green one, for that matter.

Lois Griffin-

I’m going to be honest, I didn’t realize Lois was a cartoon character until I actually saw Family Guy. Which makes it really embarrassing because I had always assumed she got her break on TV from being an internet porno sensation. Eww… now I feel gross.

Jessica Rabbit-

Jessica Rabbit from the movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit? is the queen of all cartoon hotties. You show any man a picture of her, and instantly you’ll see our eyes pop straight out, our tongues drop to the floor, and our hind legs thump while we yell “AH-OOOOGA!” at the top of our lungs. Jessica is so hot, she not only attracts the cartoons from Toontown, but the human actors as well. (Although, I suppose if I looked like Bob Hoskins, I would hit on anything with legs too). The point is, if she were a human, it wouldn’t be much different. She would get so much attention that guys like me wouldn’t even consider her a possibility. But like most hot girls, Jessica has a downfall that’s hidden behind her pouty lips and 10 foot legs—she’s a rabbit fornicator. Jessica Rabbit, former partner of Peter Rabbit, had sex with a bunny. I don’t know what it’s like in Toontown, but bestiality among humans is illegal in most states. The second she turns from cartoon to human, PITA will welcome her with spit and buckets of red paint. I can only imagine how the media will handle her arrival. I can already see the trash magazine headlines: “HOT WOMAN USES RABBIT’S FOOT FOR MORE THAN LUCK” or “WHO FUCKED J.R.?” I can even imagine another MSNBC segment where Chris Hansen reads her sections of her comic strip, to which Jessica sobs and says, “I had no idea he was a rabbit!”

Poor hot cartoon girls—somebody should really warn them what it’s like in the real world…