No, I will not add your band. Thank you for asking.

I am sure the music you play is indeed fresh, hype, and rockinnn (which, by the way, is usually spelled with only one n).

I appreciate that you took the time to read my profile to know that I "was into great tunes!" In fact, you must have read my mind, since I don't mention music in my profile. And as much your ability to read minds impresses me, I'm still going to have to pass.

I am intrigued that you're a cross between Green Day and Madonna, if they were influenced by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, DMX, and Mel Torme. But I tend to go for music that's not derivative. Of course, you know that, since you can read minds.

I also want to thank you for the opportunity to purchase your debut CD, even though I've never heard your music. You know, the CD you burned on your computer and hand wrote "rockinnn tracks!" on with a Sharpie. Again, I remind you that adding letters to words does not make you cooler. And I would like to spend that $15 on a product I will enjoy. Maybe I'm being snobby, but I like my CDs to come in jewel cases.

And, of course, thank you for the invitation to the Battle of the Bands at your high school in Ohio. I live in California, so I probably won't make it. If you have a paid gig somewhere I can get to, let me know. I know you were in prime consideration for the Feldman Bar Mitzvah, but they decided to go with DJ iTunes instead. That must have hurt.

At first, I thought about adding you. I really do enjoy when someone posts over-sized gig flyers in my comments. I, of all people, know that promotion is an important part of an artist's career. But so is honesty. So next time, just tell me you're a new band looking for some exposure and you'd love for me to check out a song or two. And I just might.

I will keep my eye out for your band's progress, as I am certain that you will MAKE IT BIG like you promised in that four-page, unsolicited message you sent me. Until then, go fuck yourself.

Thanks!-Steve Hofstetter