Hello my precious lovers of gossip and getting laid. What a week this has been. Let's just jump right in and turn this mother out! Holler back!

Britney Spears is a mess. I just don't get it – she has an assistant, millions of dollars, access to THINGS…and she looks like something my cat dumped out in her littler box. Brit was recently nipple-slipping in a dress, so she just turned the thing around and kept on partying. Seriously!

Then she posted a crazy message on her website.
Then she flashed her cootang again.

Seriously, the girl has got to be eating mushrooms on a daily basis to act and look like that. [Sources/Photo: DListed, IDLYITW, Egotastic]

Paris is still in jail and still insane. Word is that her Gramps donated dollar bills to that Sheriff's campaign, which is why he gave Paris the baby treatment. [Source: IDLYITW]

It turns out that poor, pretty Paris has ADDJUST LIKE THE REST OF US. Welcome to the real world Paris. Now can I buy some adderall off of you? I need something to help me study. [NinjaDude]

Whip it! Angelina is still horny! She likes babymaking, she just doesn't like having them grow inside of her. [Source: NinjaDude]

Kim Kardashian and I are going to be lesbian lovers – she just doesn't know yet. She's also going to be a Pussycat Doll for a couple of weeks in Las Vegas – this she is aware of. Kim is a literal piece of ass. I would definitely snack on that. Tasty. [Source: NinjaDude]

Tom Cruise made Katie Holmes cut her hair. It looks good, right? It kind of looks like…Tom's hair. Creepy. [Source: CelebSlam]

Guess who got hot! Tara Reid finally stepped it up and did the work, thank god. She was like a low budget Britney for a while, and now she's bonetastic. I bet she's trying to steal the Paris spotlight while her ex-BFF is jailin', and good for her for trying. Now she just needs Herpes to win America over for real. [Source/photo: HollywoodTuna]

Here's what's going on in the world of Jennifer Aniston's vagina. Apparently a British cokehead is all up in it right now. That's better than a vibrator, right? [Source: DListed]

Matthew McConaughey knows how to get girls naked – he just tells them to do it, and they DO. What a novel concept! Try it! [Source: Mollygood]

Hilary Duff got a tattoo
, and it's uglier than her sister's face. Holy shitballs. Let the rain fall down and wash that thing off her foot. [Source/photo: Mollygood]

Whatever you guys do, don't mess with Lindsay. She can still reek havoc from rehab. Her former bodyguard spilled the beans on life with LiLo, which basically consisted of coke, pussy, and beating up Jessica Simpson and drug dealers.

Lohan ain't havin' it though – apparently she can access Myspace from Promises Treatment Facility, and she's angrily posted bodyguard's phone number – so people can thank him personally for all that good LiLo dirt. Thank you! [Source: WWTDD, CelebSlam]

You now how I like to end my week?
Topless pictures of Petra Nemcova!!!

[Source/photo: WWTDD]

Go out and get laid friends. It's your American right – just ask your dads.
Happy Father's Day,