Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Jackson Stonehenge, Death Row Comic
June 18, 2007
In a story way too bizarre to reveal here, last May the Texas penal review board inexplicably granted serial rapist Jackson Stonehenge one final request before his execution…performing a stand-up routine in front of his fellow death row inmates!
(Jackson walks onto a crude stage set up at the front of the prison cafeteria. He hasn’t been this nervous since he was sentenced to death for raping and murdering five women in three states. He clears his throat…)
“So, I’m sitting in a diner drawing pictures of cats getting their tails ripped off on a cocktail napkin when I get the urge to rape somebody.”
(Out of the side of his mouth)
“It was one of those days.”
“So I pick out this brunette who looks like she needs somebody to lord over her and dominate her and crush her. Well, she was actually the first girl I saw…I’m not that picky. It’s a rape, not a dinner dance for Christ sakes. Anyway, I go to make my move to rape her when I think, ‘wait, am I gonna kill her before or after I do it?’”
“Do I murder-rape or rape-murder her?”
“There’s pros and cons to each side of it. I mean, who doesn’t love a good fight when you’re trying to steal her power from her and penetrate her against her will. Then again, who likes getting kicked in the nuts.”
“I mean except for Rob.”
(Rob, a pedophile, blushes, then joins in the laughter)
“I guess on the plus side killing them first makes it easier, but who wants to have sex with somebody who’s dead. It’s a little gross, though it’s not that bad if you just killed them. It’s not like you’re raping Nancy Reagan’s corpse…oh wait, she’s still alive.”
(Laughter, somebody in the crowd stabs somebody)
“I wouldn’t rape her with the warden’s dick.”
“Anyway, long story short I followed her into the alley and stabbed her in the neck with my keys and raped her. She died while I did it, so the whole thing ended up being a mute point. It was the fifth time I’d done it."
"I guess there’s something seriously wrong with me.”
Five days later Jackson Stonehenge was killed via lethal injection.
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