Ethan: So the Spurs won. What a surprise. They're very good, so let's not bore people by harping over it. Instead, let's get to the real NBA issue. You're a Lakers fan, so are you excited about the prospect of Kobe being traded? Do you think he'll end up going anywhere?
Amir: Two weeks ago I thought Kobe was just being overdramatic. But with this amateur video and recent reports, Kobe is literally doing everything he can to get out of Los Angeles. I can't wait until he threatens to show a picture of Mitch Kupchak naked. But that's okay, Ben Gordon is the next Magic Johnson, right?
Ethan: At the very least he's the next Ernie Johnson, and he'll make the Lakers' broadcasts all the more intriguing with his use of subtle British wit.
Amir: The locker room will be like Absolutely Fabulous, except funny.
Ethan: The great thing about Kobe's most recent tirades is that it's quickly becoming clear that he's a legitimate headcase. At this point, he's not just feuding with Shaq over alpha-dog status anymore, he's like that psychotic girlfriend who dumps you every few days, then shows up crying and begging to be taken back.
Amir: Sorry, Kobe. You've changed.
Ethan: KG's on the trade block, too, but I haven't seen anyone mentioning him going to LA in part of a three-way deal. Why not? He's a marquee star who could let the Lakers ship Odom to a place where he'd be more comfortable, like in surgery.
Amir: Kobe won't play for Minnesota. He said he would play in Pluto but Minnesota is just plain cold. Also, the only team that can give Minnesota what they want is Boston, and Kobe won't play in Boston either. When Kobe said he'd play anywhere he meant anywhere in Illinois.
Ethan: Would you rather have Kobe or Garnett? I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm going to say Garnett even though he's closer to free agency. Kobe's deadly, but I'd rather have a big guy who doesn't have character/insanity issues. Crazy guards are a dime a dozen, just ask Vernon Maxwell when he gets out of prison. Plus, KG's got that creepy beard-patch thing that looks like someone stapled a piece of dyed steel wool to his chin. I can't stop staring at it.
Amir: Kobe and Garnett may be a wash offensively but Kobe is too good on the defensive end. I would take Kobe over any player in this league. The fact of the matter is, he could release a video that's 24 hours long of him just berating myself and my family and I would still want him on my team. I could never get mad at you! DON'T LEAVE US KOBE!
Ethan: Get a hold of yourself; you don't know what he might say about your momma. And Garnett just won the rebounding title.
Amir:I feel like an abused housewife. It's all my fault for not trading for Jason Kidd when I had the chance. I deserve worse, honestly
Ethan: At this point, Andrew Bynum is going to need to turn into Moses Malone meets Godzilla to cover the black eye on your franchise. And if anyone asks, Kobe's leaving you because he loves you.
Amir: I fell down the stairs. I swear.
Ethan:Other NBA news, why the Hell did the Kings hire Reggie Theus to coach them? And isn't it a terrible sign when Ron Artest agrees with your personnel moves?
Amir: He seemed like a good coach on Hang Time. Anybody who can turn a team with a female point guard into a dynasty could probably work wonders with Mike Bibby.
Ethan: Rock me, Reggie Theus. Let's move on to golf. For lack of a better term, how much of a pimp is Angel Cabrera? Anyone who walks down the fairway with Tiger breathing down his neck and still finds time for a smoke is alright by me. And if he lost a ball, he knew where to look for it: in flavor country.
Amir: I can't believe he extinguished his last butt on the trophy then road off with that over-sized novelty check chained to his hog. This guy is so core he almost negates Manu Ginobili and puts Argentina back on the map as a nation of bad asses. Or at the very least neutral.
Ethan: My second-favorite subplot of the Open was the media frenzy afterwards about "What's wrong with Tiger?! IS HE FINISHED!?" He just got second in a Major; that would be most players' career highlight. It's the same thing with Federer losing the French Open finals. Sure, he didn't win, but it's not like coming in second in a Grand Slam is something to be ashamed of. That being said, I don't see how Tiger can even look his baby in the eye anymore.
Amir: What is it with athletes and children? Seems like every star is popping out an offspring or two. SportsCenter is gonna be so sick in 2029. Especially when Bruce Bowens newborn is the janitor.
Ethan: I can't wait for Leinart's children to start multiplying. I really think that before all is said and done, he has the potential to be football's Shawn Kemp. By 2035 he'll be getting Father's Day cards from kids he didn't even know existed.
Amir: The Cards still will not have won a SuperBowl though.
Ethan:Let's bring back the random sports question of the week. Who's your least favorite athlete ever?
Amir: Karl Malone. He spoke in third person, he spent 12 hours a day in the gym, he talked to himself at the free throw line and never told me what the hell he was saying. Plus I hear he used to kick people in the nuts during his jump shots.
Ethan: You forgot the part about being a trucker as a hobby. How weird is that? No one else picks up a blue collar job as a pasttime. You don't hear Michael Jordan saying, "Man, I need to unwind. Maybe I'll go down the steel mill and put coal in the furnace "
Amir: He also road horses and John Stockton. Who is your least fav?
Ethan: Narrowly edging out Roger Clemens, is Christian Laettner. His hitting that shot against Kentucky absolutely ruined my childhood. Plus, he should have already been thrown out of the game for the egregious stomping foul earlier. What a piece of Duke trash. Ugh, I'm getting upset just thinking about it. Thank God he joined in the long and storied line of Duke draft busts.
Amir: Are you crying?
Ethan: Leave me alone. Got an interesting fact for us?
Amir: Who is the only team who's never played at Fenway Park? (Hint: It's not the Birmingham Braves)
Ethan: Damn, that was my first guess. I guess I'll go with a new team from the NL West the Diamondbacks?
Amir: Actually it's the Chicago Cubs.
Ethan: Hmmmm maybe next year.
Amir: I blame Bartman
Ethan: It's a shame that Michael Barrett will never get to make the trip to Fenway in a Cubs uniform. Of course, I'm more excited for the first time he catches for Chris Young in San Diego; the term "battery" will have new meaning.
Amir: But seriously folks.
Ethan:We'll be here all week. Tip your waitresses.