Give the popularity of a certain dramatic chipmunk, I thought I'd do a refresher course on how to survive a PBS Murder Mystery.

Surviving a Murder-Mystery

So, Lord Drunky McGrabby-hands, you've been invited to a hunting weekend at Lord Farthingdale's estate in Bedfordshire? Great! Everyone loves dead pheasants, itchy tweed, and musty country manors. But here are a few things you should know:

1. Scope out your fellow guests (Sexy Heiress, Dowager, Guy with Vague Connections to Royalty, American Guy, Young Entrepreneur and his Horsey Social-Climber Wife, Old-Money Couple, servants) and figure out who'd be least likely to kill you. Stick with them all weekend.

^These people all want to see you dead.

2. Be on your best behavior. Don't stiff anyone's inheritance, don't pinch the shapely lady servants, don't fuck a married woman. You want to avoid giving them a motive.

3. Like a cute girl at a keg party, you are particularly susceptible to tampered drinks. So whether it be sherry, port, brandy, or more sherry, never leave your rich-person drink unattended. Pour it directly down your fat gullet before someone has a chance to slip poison into your snifter.

4. Count all of the shrimp forks and letter openers, to avoid having one wind up in your back.

5. Never underestimate the help; they can, and will, stab you if they get the chance. So let them know that you're onto their scheme. Punch the butler in the face for emphasis.

6. Most mysterious murders occur on Saturday night, so arrange with Jeeves to be picked up on Saturday afternoon.

7. But if you're going to die, remember that you are your host's guest/guest's corpse, so die conveniently. Nothing is more annoying than cleaning up bodily fluids from the parquet floor or trying to fit your death boner into a casket.

Happy Hunting!