Saget: Let the voting begin

Announcer: Who will it be? Fainting Usher? Cat Falling Off TV? Or the Amazing Colossal Baby? We'll find out in a moment…

Saget: And now the winner of the $10,000 for this week's funniest home video is…

:::Drum roll:::

Saget: Cat Falling Off T—wait, what?

:::Audience applauds uproariously:::

Saget: Oh, you have got to be shitting me America. You people voted Cat Falling Off TV number one? What the hell was wrong with Dude Slips on Diving Board and Bangs His Crotch? What about Skiing Mishap where that guy plows into the old lady? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with all of you? Do you even know what funny is? Last time I checked a cat falling off a TV was pretty not fucking hilarious.

Exec 1: Mr. Saget, calm down. Everyone agrees those other videos were funny, too.

Saget: No, you calm down Stan. I can't take this anymore. What the hell am I up here for? So these mindless buffoons can vote for a shitty cat falling off a shitty TV? How about next week I show a video of me spraying feces all over my kitchen. That'd probably win the $100,000 Grand Prize of the Year. Fuck!

:::Saget kicks over a lamp:::

Some random guy in the audience: Hey fuck you asshole! I voted for Cat Falling Off TV.

Exec 2: Now let's get a hold of ourselves Bob.

Saget: You get a hold of yourself Craig. I know what funny is. I invented funny, asshole. How about that voice over I did for the video of the dog that slipped on the kitchen floor and knocked over the toddler? I was all like "Ru-ro! Rorry arout rat" with my dog voice. That's gold, man.

Mother of the $10,000 winning family: Hey Danny Tanner, we won the contest anyway. Pay up asshole.

Saget: Bitch, sit your fat ass down! And don't call me Danny Tanner.

Announcer: Why don't you sit your skinny ass down Danny Tanner. Whoops, I mean bitch.

Saget: I'm about three seconds from climbing up in that booth Larry. Shut the hell up.

Announcer: Oh sorry Danny Tanner. Can you forgive me Danny Tanner? Danny Tanner, party of one, your table is ready. Paging Danny Tanner, Danny Tanner you have a telephone call at the front desk.

Audience: [Chanting] Give them the cash, give them the cash!

Saget: [Knocking over furniture] You can all go to hell! Nobody is getting shit this week. Cats falling off TVs, toddlers slipping in the bath tub. Aaaargh! You all suck major ass.

Audience: Give them the cash, give them the cash!

Exec 1 [Whispers to Exec 2] Get John Stamos on the phone.

Exec 2: Who?

Exec 1: Jesse. Of Jesse and the Rippers. [Rolls eyes, sighs] 'Full House.' You know, "Uncle" Jesse.

Exec 2: Oh yeah, right. Hold on.

Random Guy: I remember when you were nothing but a cook on 'The Greatest American Hero.' You're still a nothing Saget.

Announcer: Danny Tannerino. Danny Danny fo-fanny, fee fi fo fanny, Danny!

Saget: [Pointing at Random Guy] You couldn't land a bit role as a recovering crack addict who sucks dick for coke if you tried.

Exec 1: Bob, we have somebody very special on the phone for you.

Saget: Fuck you Stan. I'm done, I'm done with this bullshit show.

:::Exec 2 holds up phone:::

Stamos: Hey Bob! What's up man?

Saget: John? I-I-Is that you?

Stamos: Have mercyyyyy! I hear you're having a bit of an off day.

Exec 1: [To Sound Technician] Cue piano

Saget: Yeah, you could say that.

Stamos: What's the theme song for our show again?

Saget: Oh God John, not now.

Stamos. Come on. I know you know this by heart. [Snaps fingers] "Whatever happened to predictability?"

Saget: "The milkman, the paperboy, evening TV."

Stamos: Feeling better now?



Saget: Yeah. Thanks John. America, I'd like to offer my most sincere apology to anyone who was offended. Furthermore…

Exec 1 [Whispers to Exec 2] Have John call Dave Coulier next. I just received word the grand prize winner was some guy who can mimic the sound of an electric shaver and now it's absolute bedlam on the set of 'America's Funniest People.'