Ethan: The NBA draft is finally upon us, and after tomorrow night, we can finally stop hearing Oden-or-Durant debates. Well, that or they'll just intensify for the next twenty or so years. Either way, who would you take?
Amir: I would take Oden and trade Randolph for a Rashard Lewis type. Then I would propose a trade to Boston, Oden for Pierce, and before they can accept I would yell "Psyche!" into the phone and hang up. Just because I like pranks.
Ethan: Agreed. Drafting Durant's like dating a stripper: more fun to watch, but maybe not the best long-term plan to settle down with. Oden's that aging lady with the elastic waistband jeans who knows that a rebounding and defense/a good meatloaf recipe win championships.
Amir: Is that a Larry Johnson Grandma-ma reference?
Ethan: Is it just me, or does Oden seem like the easiest NBA player to like in recent memory? He's like the anti-J.J. Redick. In that he doesn't seem like a prick, and he's good at basketball.
Amir: Can you imagine if Portland actually decides to draft based on position and not on talent? Let's just say its a good thing their GM isn't Sam Bowie.
Ethan: They have to take Oden, and it could definitely become a Jordan draft all over again, but the analogy would be closer to the Rockets taking Hakeem. Sure, they might have been better off with Jordan, but he still pulled in two titles AND changed the spelling of his first name twice during his career. I can't wait for Oden to change his name to "Gregggggg" and then back to "Greg" to complete the symmetry. Who's going to be the biggest bust of this draft?
Amir: I think Joakim Noah. How can a 6'11" 220 pound center play defense in the NBA? Can you imagine him on the Bucks trying to guard Shaq? I think he's actually lighter than Shaq's jersey.
Ethan: On the plus side, Sam Cassell must be feeling great that he won't be the ugliest man in the NBA anymore. Noah won't play center, but I still don't like his chances, especially with his ugly shot. Guys whose primary skill is "hustle" don't usually make it in the NBA, and the comparisons to Shane Battier aren't really all that good. I hate Battier and Duke, but Battier was a much more polished player in college.
Amir: Really? You hate Duke?
Ethan: I'm going with Julian Wright as my bust. He can't shoot. I've heard multiple analysts say "His shot's not good yet, but it will get there " Does anyone other than Bruce Bowen learn how to shoot AFTER they get to the NBA? Shouldn't they already know? And it's common knowledge that Bowen just mugged Steve Kerr and took his shooting ability.
Amir: Who is the best Non-Oden Non-Durant player in the draft? Or will anybody be better than them?
Ethan: Maybe not better than Oden or Durant, but I think Nick Fazekas could be a steal if he goes at the end of the first round. A big PF who can shoot? He could be like a white Dirk Nowitzki. Who are you thinking?
Amir: I really, really like Jeff Green. He's as tall and almost as talented as Durant, but he already has the build, and weighs twenty pounds more than Durant. He's like a small forward with the body of a power forward and the name of a tax Attorney. Plus, John Thompson III called him the smartest player he's ever coached. Not sure how impressive that is, but it's gotta be worth something!
Ethan: Somewhere Roy Hibbert is hitting the books to prove him wrong.
Amir: You mean eating a book.
Ethan: What do you make of the latest NBA trade rumors?
Amir: I already had a customized KG Laker Jersey ready to go. You think Michael Cooper cares he wants #21?
Ethan: You think the Lakers can win with Kobe, KG, and pretty much no one else? You think Marko Jaric could be the point on a championship team? Are they still playing in the NBA, or did LA switch to the Euroleague? Oddly, though, I think if the Suns give up Amare to get KG, it's an even worse trade. I mean, Amare's got "Black Jesus" tattooed on his neck, which should tell you pretty much everything you need to know.
Amir: If the Suns are willing to give up Amare AND Marion to land KG then Steve Kerr better stick to broadcasting because that is nuts. Then again, Nash and Garnett on the same team would be really exciting to watch.
Ethan: Yeah, I don't see the logic in completely blowing up a team that was one David Stern intervention away from the title to pick up Garnett, especially when Marion and Amare are both so young and so good. Steve Kerr's got to be smarter than that. I mean, look at that haircut! Shifting gears, what do you think about the MLB All-Star voting so far?
Amir: I think that if Placido Polanco is actually the best second baseman in the AL then I might have a shot at making the Royals' roster next spring.
Ethan: I'm just happy Russ Martin is winning the NL catcher race. How often do you find a five-tool Canadian catcher with a name as perfectly Canadian as "Russ Martin?" It's time to give him his due. What's one idea for how to improve baseball's all-star festivities?
Amir: I say get rid of the Home Run derby, and institute the Tripe Derby! Triples are more exciting and rare than home runs, plus, it's extra difficult to find the gaps down the line when there are 55 little leaguers in the outfield.
Ethan: I'd like to see a fielding skills challenge. Or a competition to see who could headbutt Derek Jeter the hardest. I'm guessing Bonds, but when Hideki Matsui gets his noggin moving it can probably generate some momentum. Got an interesting fact for us?
Amir: Here's one straight out of wherever the hell Greg Oden was born or hatched or whatever. Since 7th grade Oden has won over 800 games and lost 16. You think he'll double that loss number by January?
Ethan: Probably. But it just goes to prove what we've always said: in 7th grade basketball, a zone D is practically unbeatable, and you can't teach height. Or sex ed without signed waivers from each parent.
Amir: See ya in July, losers!