I’m gonna run a little regular column around these parts. I’ll call it ‘Song Lyric Analysis’. I may think of a better name in the future. I also will probably forget this better name before I write it down, which will just frustrate me that I actually had a good idea and lost it. With this foregone conclusion, I will simply stick with the shitty name of ‘Song Lyric Analysis’ and not even attempt to think of a better title. Mediocrity is the name of the game, and I play to win.

Anyway, let’s get into the first installment. Today’s lyric: “Seven Days” by Craig David. This song is a doozy, covering the timeless tale of a man picking up a girl at a subway and boning her at the first opportunity (and with respect!)

Seven Days

On my way to see my friends
who lived a couple blocks away from me (ow)

The “Ow” thrown in at the end here is key. Maybe his feet hurt from walking the couple blocks, maybe he already knows his friends are going to do something to hurt him when he gets there. I know it’s not there for rhyming purposes. It may even be completely unnecessary!

As I walked through the subway
it must have been about quarter past three
In front of me
stood a beautiful honey with a beautiful body
She asked me for the time

This girl's in a subway and she can't find a clock? She doesn't have a cell phone? Please. This girl is trying to pick Craig up! Let's see how he handles the situation.

I said it'd cost her her name
a six digit number & a date with me tomorrow at nine

Craig David, You smooth son of a bitch.

I have to say though; this six digit number thing was new to me. I am used to seven digit numbers. At first I thought maybe he wanted the first 6 digits and then he would show her he was willing to work for her and call 9 numbers with a different last digit until he called her correct number. But then I realized that’s retarded. Anyway, so Craig David is from England (research, people), so I looked into their phone numbers over there. I didn’t do a whole lot of research. I basically searched for “Smith” in a UK phone book. The first search I did was in the city of London. The second I did was in Barnsley, Yorkshire. These are the formats of the phone numbers from each of the cities.

01226 790232 (Barnsley)

020 85296408 (London)

What the fuck is this? Why are they set up so different? I am sure it’s logical with a bit more research, but then I couldn’t joke about it.

Did she decline? No

Oh, we got a friend coming in asking him questions. The friend sounds conspicuously like him, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.

Didn't she mind? I don't think so
Was it for real? Damn sure

Was what for real? I’m not sure, but I don’t think Craig wants to risk ruining the flow of the song by asking for clarification. I can just see the'clarification' version of the song in my head

- Was it for Real?W-What do you mean?
- I mean was the situation legit?
- I’m still not following
- Oh, then just forget about it

What was the deal? A pretty girl aged 24
So was she keen? She couldn't wait
Cinnamon queen? Let me update

Whoa whoa, what the hell is goin on here. Did he just say “cinnamon queen” and pose it as a question? What the hell is a cinnamon queen? And how is the answer to the question “Let me update.” This sounds like an incredibly frustrating conversation. The only reason he is able to carry it on is because he is talking to himself. How does this guy pick up again?

What did she say? She said she'd love to rendezvous
She asked me what we were gonna do
said we'd start with a bottle of moet for two

(I would have said bottle for three just to test the waters)

took her for a drink on Tuesday

Ahh, he didn’t follow the 3-day rule. Calls her the next day? Bush league move. The only way this girl is putting out now is if she is extremely ugly or a big time whore. But he said she was pretty earlier so…

We were making love by Wednesday

Oh God, he picked up a subway prostitute. Well, that’s one night he can keep to himself and just forget it ever happened.

and on Thursday & Friday & Saturday

Jesus Christ!

We chilled on Sunday

You chilled with a hooker? That shoulda been your day to head over to the clinic.

Nine was the time
cos I'll be getting mine

I don’t even know what you’re saying. Are you saying that it was 9’ o’clock as a direct result of the fact that you were getting yours? So if you weren’t getting yours, would it have been a different time?

and she was looking fine
Smooth talker, she told me
She'd love to unfold me all night long

For that, she charges extra on top of her regular rate

Ooh I loved the way she kicked it
from the front to back she flipped (back she flipped it, ooh the way she kicked it)

Heput that line in thereso as not to miss out on the opportunity to license this song to soccer teamsand soccer video games. He can't be talking about sex, right?

And I oh oh I yeah

hope that she'd care
cos I'm a man who'll always be there

OK well maybe this girl isn’t a hooker. She is just a slut – which is essentially a hooker without entrepreneurial skills.

Ooh yeah
I'm not a man to play around baby
Ooh yeah
cos a one night stand isn't really fair

You didn’t have a one night stand – you fucked her all week. You’re free to go man.

From the first impression girl hmm you don't seem to be like that


Cos there's no need to chat for there'll be plenty for that

You’re not even making any sense right now. Are you just banging this girl or do you wanna chat? It’s like a soap opera with mentally retarded characters.

From the subway to my home
endless ringing of my phone

I am not sure if this has anything to do with the crazy phone system there, but someone’s gotta tell him that if you pick it up, the phone stops ringing.

When you’re feeling all alone
all you gotta do
is just call me call me

took her for a drink on Tuesday
we were making love by Wednesday
and on Thursday & Friday & Saturday
We chilled on Sunday

(Break it down, uh break it down)

At this point, you can hear the song being broken down

Since I met this special lady
Ooh yeah
I can't get her off my mind

Off your mind? Or off your?

She's one of a kind
And I ain't about to deny it
It's a special kind of thing
with you-oh…….

Well, it looks like he is in it for the long haul. Good for you Craig. I guess the old adage is true. “The purest emotion is love, and it’s fun to poke random girls from the subway.”