So you've been on campus a few weeks now, drinking some beers and spitting game at drunk freshmen chicks. Unfortunately up until now, you've only come away with hand-jobs (self administered). Well all that's about to change. Forget about all those uptight college chicks. I'm talking about townies.

Go to a local restaurant: The more dingy the place, the better. Try to find the girl with the saddest eyes you can. Know this: You are a college student; you are a beacon of light. To this girl, if you're not on welfare, you're Bill Gates.

Tip her one hundred percent: Love isn't cheap. But when you're just boning a waitress at the local diner it actually isn't bad. It might run you 20 bucks total. Once your waitress sees that Jackson (Or two Hamiltons) hit the table she's yours.

Be her ticket out: Tell this waitress that she's too good for this town, tell her she could do so much if she just had someone behind her. You'll say, "I'll get behind you baby," then quietly, "all night." "What?" she'll say. "Nothing."

Meet her bastard son: He's kind of cute except for the fact that he's already 6, and she just turned 19. Either way, play with him, give him a lighter or something. Then tell him to get lost so you can fuck his mom.

Take her to your dorm: Microwave her a Pop-Tart, give her a Bud-Light, let her sit on your futon. Play something by Colplay or The Postal Service. Remove all her clothes. Make out for a while. Then, tell your roommate he should leave.

Let her down easy: In the morning she should wake up to you screaming into your cell phone. "Fuck you, Dad! I'm in love!" Pause. "No!" Long pause. Stutter something. Longer pause. Hang up. Turn to her red-eyed, "This can never be."

Return to diner as necessary: Order "the usual."