On the Daily Show with Jon Stewart last week, guest Pat Buchanan joked, "Look at the Indians, Jon. They had a liberal immigration policy. And look what happened to them."
Pat is right guys. The Indians made a lot of really dumb mistakes that, as superior beings (not me saying that, it's Darwin), we should learn from.
For starters, they really dropped the ball when they let the Europeans decimate their populations with disease. What were you thinking Indians? Haven't you ever heard of Purel or tissues? Jeez, would it have killed you to tell them to cover their mouths when they coughed? Must be a cultural thing.
And the whole alcoholism charade. Come on Indians. We put you on great reservations with a ton of stuff to do: walking, playing in the sand, scavenging for resources that we completely squandered. You really should be way too busy trying to survive to have any time at all to hit the bottle. And, frankly, we think it's a little socially irresponsible. I mean, for God's sake, there are kids around.
The Indians should never have let us kill all of their buffalo. Couldn't have given us a friendly warning, huh? Like, maybe this species is more important than you think and you're disrupting the chain of nature? None of that? Yeah, thanks a lot Squanto.
Lastly, why were you guys such dicks to Chris Columbus? Don't think we've forgotten about it. Why else would an Italian explorer slaughter natives mercilessly by the hundreds? It couldn't have just been for the land, money, or overall feeling of racial supremacy. You must have done something to set him off. He was really a nice guy.
In conclusion, the Indians made a good deal of Tribal Errors. You're fault Native Americans. We take no responsibility whatsoever. So why don't you go cry about it on your way over to the Trail of Tears. Oh, we destroyed that too? Sorry. Our bad.