Are you down in the dumps, an Arizona Cardinals fan, or always get turned down by hot chicks? Well, just think in twenty years she'll be an old maid that nobody will ever love. Here are some tips to help raise your self-esteem

Have your friend re-tell you the story about when his dog got run over by a car.
-It will remind you of your alive dog.

Go to Wal-Mart
-Seeing those sub-humans can only make you feel better.

Compare your wiener to Asian's wieners.
-Always does the trick. (Caution: do not compare to black people)

Live vicariously.
-Pretend to be Brad Pitt. Call your ugly girlfriend Angelina and look in the mirror and say "nice six pack!" to your beer gut.

Hang out at the Retirement home.
-Make sure to let them know you'll outlive them.

Sign up for community service.
-No need to actually do the community service. The signing up alone will make you feel better.

Curse around children.
-Teaching them new vocabulary will make their parents proud.

Date a fat chick.
-A really fat one… like 400 lbs. Make sure not to take her out in public, and have her do everything for you and make her fall in love with you. Leave her. Your self-esteem will go up, hers will go down. Just like a see-saw! (Caution: Do not use actual see-saw with fat chick.)

Have a kid.
-This is a 9 month process, (and if its too much work, just steal one) but well worth it. Once they become old enough to stand, you have yourself a servant!

Ask your Jewish friend what they want for Christmas
-Self explanatory and hilarious.

Drink a lot.
-Your life seems so much cooler when your drunk. Even when its by yourself on a Sunday morning.

Go back to middle school.
-Outsmart those dumb ass 13 year olds. Too tough? Try elementary school.

Read a book.
-Ha ha just kidding.

Give.
-…your STD to another person.

Smoke some drugs.
-Or inject them :)

Good luck, and if none of the above works, it's probably because I gave you horrible advice.