Congratulations! You finally moved from the dorms to an off-campus house. Who cares that you're still paying the rent from checks your mommy sends you? You're still one step closer to being a full blown adult. Next step, babies.

Owning a house is like owning a horse. You have to feed it, and brush it, and wear ugly pants when you ride it. So the best you can do is be prepared. Here's what to expect from living off campus.

  • No matter how hard you try to keep your lawn clean, the occasional beer can or solo cup will inevitably spoil the perfection. Also helping to spoil the perfection? Those 500 stolen election posters for Governor Harry Dick. Yup, still funny.
  • Something is going to leak. Instead of simply calling your landlord to fix it, you will spend hours rigging up a complex water-catching system.
  • Once you're off campus, toilets don't magically clean themselves anymore. Delegate bathroom-cleaning duties to one of your roommates and claim other duties for yourself. Might I suggest "making sure the TV works"?
  • You are going to fight with your roommate about bills. For this reason, don't live with people you like. That way, you can feel better when you murder them in their sleep.
  • Your neighbors will hate you. So will your landlord. So will the 200 people entering the church across the street as you stumble home Sunday morning in the same clothes as the night before. Jesus is my brosky.
  • If you spill something dark on the carpet, you will find the best way to clean is by nudging the stain deeper with your big toe.
  • You will buy a very nice dining room table with matching chairs. You will decorate the table nicely, with placemats and a creative centerpiece. Then your parents will leave and you will throw everything away and use the table for beer pong.
  • Venturing into your attic for the first time, you will find an old, dusty board game that, upon rolling the first die, will suck you in until you learn a valuable lesson.