Along with receiving that degree in Retail Management, most college girls also desire sex with a certain six. Variety is the spice of life, and the dining hall has served Salisbury steak for two weeks straight. Thus, a girl's gotta go elsewhere to satisfy her appetite. Below are labels that we guarantee will getcha laid.

- Mr. Big: True, there can only be one Troy Smith, but in the under(grad)world notoriety is everything. Campus celebrity can be gained from winning the student body election, to making the winning toss in last week's ultimate Frisbee tournament, or simply by being Amish – she'll be the envy of all her friends once they hear she boned in the back of a buggy.

- The Sexpert: Who doesn't wanna get with the guy who slept with all of Sigma Kappa Grappa, tea-bagged the (male) Trigonometry professor, and founded the Facebook group "If This Group Reaches 3, I'll Sleep with a Sheep and Upload the Photos"? Even though she knows she'll just be another notch on your already broken bedpost, she's aware that a night with you equals information new. You know what they say, "knowledge is power" (or at least a quicker route to O-Town).

- Mr. Maturity: Grad school is really just an extension of the undergraduate experience, so there's no excuse not to be jumpin' jailbait. Impress her with your intellect (perhaps even purchase some bogus bifocals), and make your old age and off-campus housing work for you – girls get bored with doin' the dirty in the dorm.

- The Ringer: Every girl's been subscribing to Modern Bride since she was five, but you're the only guy we know of who's been dreaming of popping the question longer than popping a cherry. Enticed by the thought of "for sickness and in health" (she'll help you research the various treatments for Herpes), your looks barely matter; she's just looking forward to the evening ending with someone else down on their knees.

- The Virgin Marty: Sure, she won't get off, but she'll definitely win her floor's "Quick-Cum Contest." No, actually, they weren't studying the Revolutionary War when you walked down her hall – they really were yelling "The Minute Man is coming!"

- Bozo the Bouncer: Sure, she may emerge from the experience HIV-positive, but at least she'll never have to pay the four dollar cover. You're big, you're strong, and your shirts are as tight as she is loose – it's a match made in mixed drink heaven.