Tonight's top story: In a freak accident, the nuclear power plant just outside of Brownwich caved in on itself today when a gas bubble formed inside one of the cooling towers. The bubble became mysteriously trapped and then swelled to enormous size, blowing out a section of the tower, which collapsed onto the rest of the plant. All the workers inside the plant were killed, and the immense radiation released will doubtlessly be felt by the citizens of Brownwich as cancer and lymphoma spread like wildfire through their once quiet, peaceful town. Boy, when they tell you not to play with fire, they really mean it, don't they? Heh heh heh…

In other news, the bodies of a local man and his two children were found mangled and spread out across their front lawn this morning. It seems the family's two pit bulls had been possessed by demonic spirits during the night, entered the house, and dragged the family outside where they were torn limb from limb. The pit bulls fled the scene but were shot on the spot when they attacked the manager of the local Petsmart. And that is why you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Ha HA!

Producer: What the hell are you doing?!

I am trying to deliver somber stories with a lighthearted touch, do you mind?!

Producer: Would you act like a fucking professional?!

You're the one who's being completely unprofessional by interrupting me during my newscast!

Producer: I am going to fucking kill you.

I hope your wife grows a penis tonight and skull-fucks you with it!!!

Ahem (takes a drink of water) Sorry about that, folks, seems we were having some technical difficulties. We're going to take a quick break, but first, when a school bus full of underprivileged youth overturns on a freeway—

(Warlike cry is heard off-camera, followed by the slash of a large knife. A woman's severed head rolls across the news desk past the camera.)

Woah, Susan! Probably should've warned us about that snowstorm last week. Heh heh heh…