Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Queens Bound F Train
July 13, 2007
This is East Broadway. East Broadway, Canal Street. Delancey Street will be next. Stand clear of the closing door. You are now riding the Queens bound F train.
Delancey Street. Delancey and Essex. Transfer is available to the J, M, and Z trains. But why would you ever want to do that? Baby, you're riding the Queens bound F train. Let Louise get you there safe. 2nd Avenue next. Do stand clear of the closing door, if you please.
2nd Avenue, Lower East Side. Where the adults hang low, but the children have pride. Transfer to the V if you must, but for those who dare, this is the Queens bound F train. You're riding with Louise. The temperature outside is eighty-seven degrees, but everything is cool in here, baby. It's air-conditioned. Broadway-Lafayette next. You best stand clear of that closin' door.
Welcome to Broadway. Broadway-Lafayette. And I say, but this sister has got to get! And some of you need to get on that B or that D or even that tricky V train. But not the 4 or the 6, baby. Those is downtown only, where my Benny won't go no mo'. This here's the Queens bound F train. West 4 next. Stand clear, baby. Stand clear.
West 4, West 4. Milk for the rich and piss for the poor. Transfer to the A, B, C, D, E, or V. Go ahead! Who needs ya? I got all I need right here in this bottle and on the other end of this microphone. Cuz this is MY underground railroad when I'm in it, and me? I'm like the modern day Harry Truman. So y'all just sit on down or grab yourself a pole. Don't no one look at nobody neither. 14th Street next. This IS the Queens bound F train and this IS Louise. Stand clear of the door. It's a-closin'.
14th Street, 6th Avenue. Transfer available to the L and V, but if you want the 1-2-3, it's a long walk or thirty dollars depending on who you ask, baby! Ha-HA! This is the god damn Queens bound F train! 23rd Street next! Get on back for tha do'!
23rd Street, where I was conceived. Someday, daddy. Someday you'll come back for little Louise. Until then I'm just gonna keep on this Queens bound F train. Herald Square next. Stand clear, daddy! That door's closin' again!
34th Street, Herald Square. Where Jesus shouts your name, but ain't nobody there. Transfer now to my daughters: Betsy, Denise, Nancy, Quiggly, Rhoda, Vanessa, and Wanda. You best watch out for Wanda. She'll bite cha! But I don't bite, baby. I would never hurt you. You're ridin' the Queens bound F train with Louise the Last Real Lady. Bryant Park next. Stand clear of the closing door.
42nd Street, Bryant Park. Dangerous in the sun as it is after dark. You leave Louise now and there might be a B, D, V, or even a 7 train waiting for you, or maybe there's somebody special waiting if 42nd Street is your final destination. Maybe maybe maybe not? You know you can always depend on Louise and the Queens bound F train, baby. All stops. All times. Rockefeller Center is next. Stand clear of the frozen whore.
Rockefeller Center! 47th, 48th, 49th, and 50th Streets. I was from the streets. Now, I'm from under the streets. Cleavin' my way through the darkness. Every rat has a name. MY name is Louise Louise, Louise. If you're feelin' frisky, go on and gimme a squeeze! If you please. Ha-HA! Queens bound F train! 57th Street next! Stand clear of the closing do— shit! Transfer! B, D, and V! Shit, shit,
! Louise don't need this
57th Street, 6th Avenue. You think we got toilets in these things? Fuck no, we ain't got toilets! I
an abortion on this damn train once. Baby come out all dead an' shit sayin', "Momma, where the toilet be at? Can't abort me on no flo', momma!" I said, "Baby, you was
on a flo', so y'all can be
on a flo'!" Ha-HA! That was three days ago.
, I can work, god dammit! Queens bound Fuck train! Louise! Lexington Avenue next. Stand clear of the door.
63rd Street, Lexington Ave. Transfer available to the N, R, W, 4, 5, and 6 trains, but you're gonna need two things: a MetroCard and the goddamn
to leave Louise in her time of need! Just like her first husband, Mr. Samuel L. Jackson! "Oh, I need to go film Patriot Games!" Oh, well fuck you, Frozone! I don't need yo black ass! I got the Queens bound F train! Roosevelt Island next! Stand clear, Mace Windu! Motherfucka!
Well, ladies and gentlemen, this is Roosevelt Island. Y'all whilin'? Next stop is Queensbridge. That's in Queens, baby. Dis is now a Jamaica bound F train, mon. Stand clear of de closing doors, ya heard? Oh, and don't bother callin' de police, mon. Dey no longer care. Jamaica bound F train! Louise de Last Real La-dy! One love!
(Illustration by Max Kelly)
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.