Then the president would show me his office. I'd ask him how they hang pictures on curved walls, and he'd say he'd never thought about that. What a smart friend the president has. We'd try to find out together. Maybe they use special presidential picture frames. Then we'd break something by accident. "Oh no!" the president would say. "Oh no!" I would say. Then Dick Cheney or whoever would charge in and be like, "Who did that?" and the president would point to me, the jerk. But then the president would say, "It's OK. I give him a presidential pardon." It's good to have the president as a friend.
Then I'd ask to see his desk. He'd tell me not to touch anything. I'd respect the president. There would most likely be some sort of red button, it being the president's desk and all, and I would ask, "Hey, what's with that red button?" The president would get all serious and say, "That's the button that blows up China." Wowsers. I'd ask him if he'd ever pushed it. He'd shake his head no. "If you blew up China," I'd ask, "where would we get Chinese food?" The president would show me the phone number of the place where he gets Chinese food. I'd ask if we can call using the red phone, and the president would say, "No, because that's not a phone at all. It's a rocket ship." Then we'd pretend it was a rocket ship, and the president would play the boss of the rocket ship because he's the president. The president is really good at pretending.
Then I would ask, "With the worst fighting and the largest toll of American casualties occurring after you declared the country of Iraq 'liberated,' how could you possibly think it's a good idea to 'stay the course?' Don't you think it's a bit cowardly to pass the burden of extraction to the next president?" and the president would ask me to leave. What a great day we would have, if I met the president.